I watched in horror at a tiny spider dangling precariously by an invisible thread over a bathtub full of hot water this morning. I wonder if he knew just how close he was to drowning. My horror soon turned to wonder as I watched him very slowly go up and down the thread until he finally reached safety on the ceiling.
I think my heavenly Father was using that spider to speak to me. I literally feel like I am hanging by a thread...so close to losing it at times....up and down in the space of a few hours. I'm not whining......just telling it like it is....no energy.....no motivation....queasy stomach.....no appetite...muscles burning with fibromyalgia pain.....waking up way too early in the morning........seeing brown instead of green. I know it is temporary....until the medication works...... but it is still very hard to hang onto that thread at times. God was gently showing me that I need to hang on to hope and take courage......just like the spider. He is beside me cheering me on along with a host of other praying friends and family.
Our church is planning a service this Sunday with an emphasis on mental illness....to tie in with the distress and anguish Jesus suffered knowing what He faced on the cross. I want to be there but I don't know yet if I can. Just getting showered and dressed takes huge effort....and then there is the anxiety of being in a crowd full of happy people. If I could just be invisible......
I chatted with my sister via e-mail in the wee hours of the morning. We share the same genes and the same maladies. But she holds down a full time very demanding job. I don't know how she does it ....along with her family of nine children and umpteen grandchildren. She also leads worship at her church and is an accomplished writer and photographer. I dare not compare myself to her. I just wouldn't measure up. But she inspires me and is one of my 'encouragers.' I thank God for this very dear sister of mine.
God is my biggest encourager. This morning He drew me to these words from Lamentations 3:
"For the Lord does not abandon anyone forever. Though He brings grief, He also shows compassion according to the greatness of His unfailing love. For He does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow." (verses 31-33)
"But I called on Your name, Lord, from deep within the well, and You heard me! You listened to my pleading; You heard my weeping! Yes, You came at my despairing cry and told me, 'Do not fear.' " (verses 55-57)
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4 comments:
Being in a room full of "happy" people is precisely what Jesus (and others) experienced in the Palm Sunday cheering crowd.
I'm hoping that our time together on Sunday will affirm that in every bunch of 'happy' people, there are those who, like Jesus, are weeping.
And I think that what Jesus was saying to the Pharisees (who wanted Jesus to silence his rowdy disciples), that the cheering is good (the rocks would shout if people didn't), because it is in the weeping, suffering Jesus, that we have hope -- the hope of peace, the hope of healing, the hope that one day all our tears will be wiped away, and then we'll cheer for all the right reasons.
No one should walk in anyone else's shadow, or compare themselves to another. For so many years I heard Susan talk of her dear sister (you!), in whose shadow she walked and whom she could never measure up to. I've done it too, with another dear friend of mine who I saw as so sophisticated and "together," only to find that for years she saw me so differently than I saw myself and felt she came up short. Silly, silly. We are so silly. We should only celebrate each other. God does! He joys over us with singing!
Brenda, even though you are my twin :) you are one of a kind and precious because of your unique beauty, which no one; not one person, ever before or ever to come, can duplicate.
I know it doesn't feel that way right now of course, but I just wanted to hold up the Truth anyway.
With love
Brenda your words brought tears to my eyes because I've felt that way so often. Thankfully Jesus understands.
Many years ago I sang with a group out east (I already said that, didn't I?) and one of the women, Cindy McClure (now Cindy Dearborn), wrote a song called "To My God I Will Cling". I'd like to share the words with you. Someday I'll come over with my guitar and you can hear the tune too; it's lovely.
***
To my God I will cling,
My solid Rock;
Darkness lingers, my vision dims,
I cry 'alas'
But O Lord, You know the way,
So take my hand
For you are strong and sure of step.
I stumble, weak and unsure;
I am but a child, seeing only for the moment.
But in You no darkness dwells,
Nor mountains bar the view,
And no one in this world knows me like You do.
In Your arms, O hold me, Lord;
Comfort in this hour.
My hope will rest in You.
Joy will come
Like sunshine after rain;
The darkest hour gives way to dawn.
So to my God I will cling,
My solid Rock;
Darkness lingers, my vision dims,
I cry 'alas'
But O Lord, You know the way,
So take my hand,
For You are strong and sure of step.
For You are strong and have never failed me yet.
- Cindy McClure
Such dear friends, all of you. I am blessed by your wisdom and encouragement.
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