Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
There Is One Who Cares For You
Oh, child of suffering, be patient. God has not passed you over in His providence. He who is the feeder of sparrows will also furnish you with what you need. Take up the arms of faith against a sea of trouble. There is One who cares for you. His eye is fixed upon you, His heart beats with pity for your woe, and His omnipotent hand will bring you the needed help.
The darkest cloud will scatter itself in showers of mercy. The blackest gloom will give place to the morning. He, if you are one of His family, will bind up your wounds and heal your broken heart. Do not doubt His grace because of your tribulation, but believe that He loves you as much in seasons of trouble as in times of happiness.
With a little oil in the cruse and a handful of meal in the barrel, Elijah outlived the famine, and you will do the same.
C.H. Spurgeon
The darkest cloud will scatter itself in showers of mercy. The blackest gloom will give place to the morning. He, if you are one of His family, will bind up your wounds and heal your broken heart. Do not doubt His grace because of your tribulation, but believe that He loves you as much in seasons of trouble as in times of happiness.
With a little oil in the cruse and a handful of meal in the barrel, Elijah outlived the famine, and you will do the same.
C.H. Spurgeon
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Calendar Wisdom
"His grace is great enough to meet the great things -- the crashing waves that overwhelm the soul, the roaring winds that leave us stunned and breathless, the sudden storms beyond our life's control."
Annie Johnson Flint
"The world is full of suffering. It is also full of the overcoming of it."
Helen Keller
"When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on."
author unknown
"The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us."
Heartland Samplers, Inc.
I'm still in the waiting room......looking for morning.......Will it ever come?.......This dark night seems so long. I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I've lost my way.
Annie Johnson Flint
"The world is full of suffering. It is also full of the overcoming of it."
Helen Keller
"When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on."
author unknown
"The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us."
Heartland Samplers, Inc.
I'm still in the waiting room......looking for morning.......Will it ever come?.......This dark night seems so long. I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I've lost my way.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
A Prayer
Lord, on You I call for help
against my blind and senseless torment,
since You alone can renew
inwardly and outwardly my mind,
my will, and my strength, which are weak.
Michelangelo
I found this prayer in a book Rick gave me for my birthday in 2007. On the inside of the book these words are inscribed:
To my dearest wife,
We stand together in the storm, holding onto each other so neither will be blown over. We work well together . I love being with you.
All my love, Rick
Obviously I was going through another storm at this time because the book's title is God Is In The Tough Stuff. Rick continues to give me tender, loving care without complaining and I am very grateful that he remains by my side in these dark times. Today he persuaded me to get in the shower by threatening to take me for a walk in my pajamas. We had a beautiful walk by Lake Ontario and saw two foxes with their offspring in the park.
against my blind and senseless torment,
since You alone can renew
inwardly and outwardly my mind,
my will, and my strength, which are weak.
Michelangelo
I found this prayer in a book Rick gave me for my birthday in 2007. On the inside of the book these words are inscribed:
To my dearest wife,
We stand together in the storm, holding onto each other so neither will be blown over. We work well together . I love being with you.
All my love, Rick
Obviously I was going through another storm at this time because the book's title is God Is In The Tough Stuff. Rick continues to give me tender, loving care without complaining and I am very grateful that he remains by my side in these dark times. Today he persuaded me to get in the shower by threatening to take me for a walk in my pajamas. We had a beautiful walk by Lake Ontario and saw two foxes with their offspring in the park.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Comfort
I have a few inspirational calendars stashed in different places around the house because I seem to need constant encouragement. Don't we all? This verse comes from Whispered Words of Encouragement.
"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
I remember sending this verse to my mother when she was dying of cancer twenty-two years ago. Now this same verse is being used to comfort and encourage me. I'm sure there are others out there who need to hear it as well.
God came today to be with me, to strengthen me, to help me, to uphold me. He came in the body of a friend who sat for two hours and shared in my pain.
After supper, I laid on the couch and listened to worship songs on my I-pod for two hours. What is it about worship that allows us to make such a strong connection with Him? I know I haven't been doing it lately and it shows. I think what it did for me is to get my mind off myself and my pain....... and focused on God instead. Hooray. I am making progress. People must be praying! Please don't stop. I'm on a roller coaster...... as my friend Marja describes the ride of the bipolar.
"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
I remember sending this verse to my mother when she was dying of cancer twenty-two years ago. Now this same verse is being used to comfort and encourage me. I'm sure there are others out there who need to hear it as well.
God came today to be with me, to strengthen me, to help me, to uphold me. He came in the body of a friend who sat for two hours and shared in my pain.
After supper, I laid on the couch and listened to worship songs on my I-pod for two hours. What is it about worship that allows us to make such a strong connection with Him? I know I haven't been doing it lately and it shows. I think what it did for me is to get my mind off myself and my pain....... and focused on God instead. Hooray. I am making progress. People must be praying! Please don't stop. I'm on a roller coaster...... as my friend Marja describes the ride of the bipolar.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
The Gift of Empathy
I couldn't post yesterday because things were just too black and I had nothing to say. A friend stopped by with soup and homemade bread and we hugged for dear life.
This morning I went to the doctor again and he added Wellbutrin and some thyroid hormone to the Celexa......to see if that would get me out of the cloud faster. I spent most of the rest of day in bed thinking of ways to end the pain. Then I got up and Googled What happens to Christians who commit suicide?...... and read many thoughts about that........ Decided it wasn't an option......or a poor option.
Then I checked e-mail. I heard from the friend who stopped in yesterday. I shared back exactly what was going on. Part of her reply was this:
"You may be real with me. I understand. Please hold on. Even if you can no longer find hope in your own heart, lean on my hope for you..........It is the pain you want to kill, not yourself. The pain has become so terrible that it feels like it is consuming you and you don't know how to survive when the pain is hurting you that badly. Others have felt that way too. I'll attach a poem that has meant a lot to me because it talks about that kind of pain, and it feels good to let the tears flow knowing that you are not alone with that kind of pain - others have felt it too. Somehow it does bring help to hear our pain put into words by someone else who has been there."
I read the poem twice and let the tears flow. They were like a cleansing stream.
Later, as I read from The Impact of God: Soundings from St John of the Cross all of a sudden it was made very clear to me why this friend was able to be such a comfort to me. This is a paraphrase of Iain Matthew, the author's words: She has the gift of empathy born of experiencing the same pain I have. The pain that molded her had also endowed her with an extraordinary capacity to enter my heart, and understand it. Her experience gave her access to me at my point of need.
This same friend also gave me the book.......the last time I was depressed.......but I never read it then. It seems like this present moment is the appointed time.
So I'm feeling deeply grateful to God tonight......for using my friend to reach into my darkness with a blazing torch. I am also feeling more settled about why this pain is necessary in my life.....so that I might be used as His instrument down the road.......when I am better........ the same way He has powerfully used my friend.
This morning I went to the doctor again and he added Wellbutrin and some thyroid hormone to the Celexa......to see if that would get me out of the cloud faster. I spent most of the rest of day in bed thinking of ways to end the pain. Then I got up and Googled What happens to Christians who commit suicide?...... and read many thoughts about that........ Decided it wasn't an option......or a poor option.
Then I checked e-mail. I heard from the friend who stopped in yesterday. I shared back exactly what was going on. Part of her reply was this:
"You may be real with me. I understand. Please hold on. Even if you can no longer find hope in your own heart, lean on my hope for you..........It is the pain you want to kill, not yourself. The pain has become so terrible that it feels like it is consuming you and you don't know how to survive when the pain is hurting you that badly. Others have felt that way too. I'll attach a poem that has meant a lot to me because it talks about that kind of pain, and it feels good to let the tears flow knowing that you are not alone with that kind of pain - others have felt it too. Somehow it does bring help to hear our pain put into words by someone else who has been there."
I read the poem twice and let the tears flow. They were like a cleansing stream.
Later, as I read from The Impact of God: Soundings from St John of the Cross all of a sudden it was made very clear to me why this friend was able to be such a comfort to me. This is a paraphrase of Iain Matthew, the author's words: She has the gift of empathy born of experiencing the same pain I have. The pain that molded her had also endowed her with an extraordinary capacity to enter my heart, and understand it. Her experience gave her access to me at my point of need.
This same friend also gave me the book.......the last time I was depressed.......but I never read it then. It seems like this present moment is the appointed time.
So I'm feeling deeply grateful to God tonight......for using my friend to reach into my darkness with a blazing torch. I am also feeling more settled about why this pain is necessary in my life.....so that I might be used as His instrument down the road.......when I am better........ the same way He has powerfully used my friend.
Monday, April 13, 2009
I Lift My Eyes Up
Today is the one month anniversary of my descent into depression. I wonder how long it will last this time around. Will I continue to sink lower before I start the upward climb? Life goes on around me but I am at a standstill......waiting......waiting for morning......waiting for God to come and rescue me. I continue to hang on by a thread.
Psalm 121 was one of my mom's favorite Psalms. I love the way Brian Doerksen has set it to music. It speaks volumes to me today.
Psalm 121 was one of my mom's favorite Psalms. I love the way Brian Doerksen has set it to music. It speaks volumes to me today.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Oh Happy Day
The sun is shining this glad Easter morn. My heart is warmed listening to this glad song and imagining all the people getting ready to celebrate Jesus' resurrection. I think of my three little granddaughters donning their new dresses and the excitement in the air all over the world as Christians gather together. It is a foretaste of things to come when we will gather together singing His praises for all eternity. No more tears....no more sorrow....no more sighing.
I am reminded of these verses from 2 Corinthians 4:8-10,16-18 and receive fresh courage.
"We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed and broken. We are perplexed but we don't give up and quit. We are hunted down but God never abandons us. We get knocked down, but we get up again and keep going. Through suffering, these bodies of ours constantly share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.........That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are quite small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us an immeasurably great glory that will last forever! So we don't look at the troubles we can see right now; rather we look forward to what we have not yet seen. For the troubles we see will soon be over, but the joys to come will last forever."
I am reminded of these verses from 2 Corinthians 4:8-10,16-18 and receive fresh courage.
"We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed and broken. We are perplexed but we don't give up and quit. We are hunted down but God never abandons us. We get knocked down, but we get up again and keep going. Through suffering, these bodies of ours constantly share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.........That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are quite small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us an immeasurably great glory that will last forever! So we don't look at the troubles we can see right now; rather we look forward to what we have not yet seen. For the troubles we see will soon be over, but the joys to come will last forever."
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Theology of Suffering
Today I am lower than a snake's belly in death's valley. I crawled back into bed right after breakfast and I am still here at almost noon. I try to make sense of what is happening to me. I long to be free and unshackled of the weights which slow me down to a near standstill. There is not much I can do to speed up the recovery other than waiting. And in the waiting, things continue to deteriorate around me.
I somehow 'stumbled' onto a site where Joni Eareckson Tada addresses the Dallas Theological Seminary as they embark on a study of the theology of suffering. It can be found at this link:
http://www.dts.edu/media/play/?MediaItemID=099ea001-bcbf-48e3-8546-9d84ffcbb402
She said that God permits what He hates in order to accomplish what He loves.......which is increasing our capacity for Him. She also said God is in the midst of aborting devilish schemes.
I believe those statements with all my heart. Now if my mind and body would just follow along! Hearing her speak and knowing what she faces each day made me realize how blessed I am. What's a little depression and fibromyalgia and sleeplessness and flood mess compared to her quadriplegia and breathlessness and chronic pain. I have nothing to whine about. I will eventually recover. She will not...in this life.
I also have a very loving and supportive husband who is waiting on me hand and foot and four wonderful children who are equally supportive and understanding.......and friends who stick by me through the ups and downs. I just need to be patient and take small steps a day at a time and not lay down and give up, which the enemy of my soul would dearly love me to do.
I somehow 'stumbled' onto a site where Joni Eareckson Tada addresses the Dallas Theological Seminary as they embark on a study of the theology of suffering. It can be found at this link:
http://www.dts.edu/media/play/?MediaItemID=099ea001-bcbf-48e3-8546-9d84ffcbb402
She said that God permits what He hates in order to accomplish what He loves.......which is increasing our capacity for Him. She also said God is in the midst of aborting devilish schemes.
I believe those statements with all my heart. Now if my mind and body would just follow along! Hearing her speak and knowing what she faces each day made me realize how blessed I am. What's a little depression and fibromyalgia and sleeplessness and flood mess compared to her quadriplegia and breathlessness and chronic pain. I have nothing to whine about. I will eventually recover. She will not...in this life.
I also have a very loving and supportive husband who is waiting on me hand and foot and four wonderful children who are equally supportive and understanding.......and friends who stick by me through the ups and downs. I just need to be patient and take small steps a day at a time and not lay down and give up, which the enemy of my soul would dearly love me to do.
Friday, April 10, 2009
It Is Well with My Soul
Rick is at church leading worship for the Good Friday service. I long to be there but just couldn't do it. Instead I am washing last night's dishes and listening to worship songs on my i-pod. There are over three hundred on shuffle but the shuffle just 'happened' to land on this hymn which was a favorite of my mom's. I find deep solace in it today, Good Friday, when I remember He has regarded my 'helpless' estate and has shed His own blood for my soul.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Epiphany
Today was another very bad day. I went to the doctor in the morning. I could hardly verbalize during the appointment and kept tearing up. He increased my medication and added a couple of supplements and sent me for blood work. I sat in the waiting room of the lab for an hour......with my eyes closed because there were so many people in there. When I got home I looked around the basement which looks like a war zone and wondered how I would ever get the energy to go through all the stuff and dispose of it. I was exhausted so I laid down on the living room sofa for a nap. Sleep did not come ......but rather lots of ruminating on dark, discouraging thoughts. When I opened my eyes I was drawn to a picture of Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane which hangs on our dining room wall. It has become a part of the landscape of the room and I hardly notice it anymore. Today it was a message from God loud and clear......... He wanted me to know He is agonizing with me in the garden on the eve of his crucifixion. I quickly found my Bible and read the account in Mark . These words expressed exactly how I was feeling today.
'My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death.' (Mark 14:34)
I found solace in these words because Jesus knows exactly how I am feeling and can sympathize with me. He understands my weakness and is entering into my suffering......and I into His as I think about what took place tonight over two thousand years ago.
Today is also a day of celebration.....our granddaughter Lia turned 3 today. It was wonderful to come home to a message from her on the phone thanking us for her gift which arrived in the mail today. I think of her fondly and thank God for the joy she has brought into our lives.
'My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death.' (Mark 14:34)
I found solace in these words because Jesus knows exactly how I am feeling and can sympathize with me. He understands my weakness and is entering into my suffering......and I into His as I think about what took place tonight over two thousand years ago.
Today is also a day of celebration.....our granddaughter Lia turned 3 today. It was wonderful to come home to a message from her on the phone thanking us for her gift which arrived in the mail today. I think of her fondly and thank God for the joy she has brought into our lives.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Afloat
Today I am afloat on a life raft in a very stormy sea....feeling very much alone....yet I know in my head I am not. God is very much with me even though I have no feelings.... I know that I will be rescued eventually. I find comfort in the Scriptures. I don't even know how I arrived in Romans chapter 8 this morning but these words keep hope afloat in my heart.
"But if we are to share His glory, we must also share His suffering. Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory He will give us later......And even we Christians, although we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory also groan to be released from pain and suffering. We too, wait anxiously for that day when God will give us our full rights as His children, including the new bodies He has promised us. Now that we are saved we eagerly look forward to this freedom. For if you already have something, you don't need to hope for it. But if we look forward to something we don't have yet, we must wait patiently and confidently. And the Holy Spirit helps us in our distress. For we don't even know what we should pray for, nor how we should pray. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God's own will. And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them. (even basement floods :) )
Can anything ever separate us from God's love? Does it mean He no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity or are persecuted, or are hungry or cold or in danger or threatened with death? (or are depressed).......No, despite all these things overwhelming victory is ours through Christ who loved us.......Nothing can ever separate us from His love.......Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow (finances), and even the powers of hell can't keep God's love away. Whether we are high above the sky or in the deepest ocean, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord."
"But if we are to share His glory, we must also share His suffering. Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory He will give us later......And even we Christians, although we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory also groan to be released from pain and suffering. We too, wait anxiously for that day when God will give us our full rights as His children, including the new bodies He has promised us. Now that we are saved we eagerly look forward to this freedom. For if you already have something, you don't need to hope for it. But if we look forward to something we don't have yet, we must wait patiently and confidently. And the Holy Spirit helps us in our distress. For we don't even know what we should pray for, nor how we should pray. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God's own will. And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them. (even basement floods :) )
Can anything ever separate us from God's love? Does it mean He no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity or are persecuted, or are hungry or cold or in danger or threatened with death? (or are depressed).......No, despite all these things overwhelming victory is ours through Christ who loved us.......Nothing can ever separate us from His love.......Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow (finances), and even the powers of hell can't keep God's love away. Whether we are high above the sky or in the deepest ocean, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Life Lines
Today was the worst. Don't I say that every day? I felt like I was literally drowning and cried buckets of tears during dinner. But several lifelines have been thrown my way throughout the day in the form of food, e-mails, a phone call and a song. I have to share the song which was sent by my friend, Jeannie. It seems written just for me and has really given me courage and elevated my mood tonight.
Jesus draw me ever nearer
As I labour through the storm.
You have called me to this passage,
And I'll follow, though I'm worn.
May this journey bring a blessing,
May I rise on wings of faith;
And at the end of my heart's testing,
With your likeness let me wake.
Jesus guide me through the tempest;
Keep my spirit staid and sure.
When the midnight meets the morning,
Let me love You even more.
Let the treasures of the trial
Form within me as I go -
And at the end of this long passage,
Let me leave them at Your throne.
Jesus draw me ever nearer
As I labour through the storm.
You have called me to this passage,
And I'll follow, though I'm worn.
May this journey bring a blessing,
May I rise on wings of faith;
And at the end of my heart's testing,
With your likeness let me wake.
Jesus guide me through the tempest;
Keep my spirit staid and sure.
When the midnight meets the morning,
Let me love You even more.
Let the treasures of the trial
Form within me as I go -
And at the end of this long passage,
Let me leave them at Your throne.
Sinking Deeper
I'm not so brave today. I did go for a walk in the snow....first time out of the house since I went to the doctor on Thursday. I'm hiding in the bedroom while the guys work in the basement...working on my dad's estate.......thinking morbid thoughts and wondering if I will ever feel better. I feel so guilty about the added weight my husband has to carry because of my weakness. I feel like a little child that needs to be taken care of.....in limbo.....how low can I go?
Monday, April 6, 2009
"The Waters Continued to Recede....."
Yesterday I wrote on Facebook, "I need and ark.....and quick." This morning my friend Jeannie without knowing of these words wrote this in an e-mail :
"I just wanted to send you this inspirational Scripture verse: 'On the seventeenth day of the seventh month the ark came to rest on the mountains of Ararat. The waters continued to recede until the tenth month, and on the first day of the tenth month the tops of the mountains became visible.' (Genesis 8:4-5).........Just a little black humor."
It made me laugh, which I didn't think was possible. Things got pretty bleak last night as the reality of the flood sunk in and I realized what is ahead of us. In tears I phoned Connie, a prayer warrior from our church and asked her to pray with me. She listened compassionately and prayed very lovingly and I was able to settle down and get to sleep.....until 3 a.m. Then Rick got up with me, gave me a Gravol and read to me till I fell back to sleep again for another few hours.
The waters have receded and there are fans and dehumidifiers percolating away downstairs but there are mountains of wet things to go through and dispose of .....all of which I have no energy for....And the upstairs smells of the dampness in the bowels of the house......and men are coming to cart wet stuff away and cut out the carpet.......I have to stop thinking about the bad stuff.
I need to remind myself that His eye is on me, He is grieving with me and for me and will carry me through this......one day at a time.
"I just wanted to send you this inspirational Scripture verse: 'On the seventeenth day of the seventh month the ark came to rest on the mountains of Ararat. The waters continued to recede until the tenth month, and on the first day of the tenth month the tops of the mountains became visible.' (Genesis 8:4-5).........Just a little black humor."
It made me laugh, which I didn't think was possible. Things got pretty bleak last night as the reality of the flood sunk in and I realized what is ahead of us. In tears I phoned Connie, a prayer warrior from our church and asked her to pray with me. She listened compassionately and prayed very lovingly and I was able to settle down and get to sleep.....until 3 a.m. Then Rick got up with me, gave me a Gravol and read to me till I fell back to sleep again for another few hours.
The waters have receded and there are fans and dehumidifiers percolating away downstairs but there are mountains of wet things to go through and dispose of .....all of which I have no energy for....And the upstairs smells of the dampness in the bowels of the house......and men are coming to cart wet stuff away and cut out the carpet.......I have to stop thinking about the bad stuff.
I need to remind myself that His eye is on me, He is grieving with me and for me and will carry me through this......one day at a time.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Peace
We woke up to a massive flood in the crawlspace and basement. The sump pump is not working due to an electrical failure.....we think. I am strangely peaceful. I cannot believe my reaction. I did not wail or cry out or swear like I have in the times past when it has happened. And this is by far the worst one we have ever had. Rick and Joanna have gone to church. I am waiting here for help to arrive. A test....a big test. I want to pass this one and give the glory to God.
"I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn't like the world gives. So don't be troubled or afraid." (John 14:27)
I am encouraged. I have peace of mind and heart and my dear Friend is right beside me holding my hand.
And upon further reflection.....there is a bright side to it all. The basement and crawlspace are finally going to get cleaned out. Maybe it is a blessing in disguise. :)
"I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn't like the world gives. So don't be troubled or afraid." (John 14:27)
I am encouraged. I have peace of mind and heart and my dear Friend is right beside me holding my hand.
And upon further reflection.....there is a bright side to it all. The basement and crawlspace are finally going to get cleaned out. Maybe it is a blessing in disguise. :)
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Hope
Yesterday was probably the worst day yet, physically and mentally. I thank God for the internet which is a big help to me in these times. It gives me connection which I so desperately need. I found a wonderful blog by a woman in her fifties, Syd, whose situation closely parallels mine in that she suffers from bipolar 2, fibromyalgia and insomnia and she shares my faith in God. What a gift. I am so thankful. Syd can be found at http://bipolarity1.blogspot.com
I had a longer and better sleep last night from having added Gravol to the mix. I still feel very weak and nauseous......but I know that there is light at the end of the tunnel from past experience.
Scripture comforts and brings hope to me.
"What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see." (Hebrews 1:1)
"And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in You." (Psalm 39:7)
I had a longer and better sleep last night from having added Gravol to the mix. I still feel very weak and nauseous......but I know that there is light at the end of the tunnel from past experience.
Scripture comforts and brings hope to me.
"What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see." (Hebrews 1:1)
"And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in You." (Psalm 39:7)
Friday, April 3, 2009
Hanging On By A Thread
I watched in horror at a tiny spider dangling precariously by an invisible thread over a bathtub full of hot water this morning. I wonder if he knew just how close he was to drowning. My horror soon turned to wonder as I watched him very slowly go up and down the thread until he finally reached safety on the ceiling.
I think my heavenly Father was using that spider to speak to me. I literally feel like I am hanging by a thread...so close to losing it at times....up and down in the space of a few hours. I'm not whining......just telling it like it is....no energy.....no motivation....queasy stomach.....no appetite...muscles burning with fibromyalgia pain.....waking up way too early in the morning........seeing brown instead of green. I know it is temporary....until the medication works...... but it is still very hard to hang onto that thread at times. God was gently showing me that I need to hang on to hope and take courage......just like the spider. He is beside me cheering me on along with a host of other praying friends and family.
Our church is planning a service this Sunday with an emphasis on mental illness....to tie in with the distress and anguish Jesus suffered knowing what He faced on the cross. I want to be there but I don't know yet if I can. Just getting showered and dressed takes huge effort....and then there is the anxiety of being in a crowd full of happy people. If I could just be invisible......
I chatted with my sister via e-mail in the wee hours of the morning. We share the same genes and the same maladies. But she holds down a full time very demanding job. I don't know how she does it ....along with her family of nine children and umpteen grandchildren. She also leads worship at her church and is an accomplished writer and photographer. I dare not compare myself to her. I just wouldn't measure up. But she inspires me and is one of my 'encouragers.' I thank God for this very dear sister of mine.
God is my biggest encourager. This morning He drew me to these words from Lamentations 3:
"For the Lord does not abandon anyone forever. Though He brings grief, He also shows compassion according to the greatness of His unfailing love. For He does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow." (verses 31-33)
"But I called on Your name, Lord, from deep within the well, and You heard me! You listened to my pleading; You heard my weeping! Yes, You came at my despairing cry and told me, 'Do not fear.' " (verses 55-57)
I think my heavenly Father was using that spider to speak to me. I literally feel like I am hanging by a thread...so close to losing it at times....up and down in the space of a few hours. I'm not whining......just telling it like it is....no energy.....no motivation....queasy stomach.....no appetite...muscles burning with fibromyalgia pain.....waking up way too early in the morning........seeing brown instead of green. I know it is temporary....until the medication works...... but it is still very hard to hang onto that thread at times. God was gently showing me that I need to hang on to hope and take courage......just like the spider. He is beside me cheering me on along with a host of other praying friends and family.
Our church is planning a service this Sunday with an emphasis on mental illness....to tie in with the distress and anguish Jesus suffered knowing what He faced on the cross. I want to be there but I don't know yet if I can. Just getting showered and dressed takes huge effort....and then there is the anxiety of being in a crowd full of happy people. If I could just be invisible......
I chatted with my sister via e-mail in the wee hours of the morning. We share the same genes and the same maladies. But she holds down a full time very demanding job. I don't know how she does it ....along with her family of nine children and umpteen grandchildren. She also leads worship at her church and is an accomplished writer and photographer. I dare not compare myself to her. I just wouldn't measure up. But she inspires me and is one of my 'encouragers.' I thank God for this very dear sister of mine.
God is my biggest encourager. This morning He drew me to these words from Lamentations 3:
"For the Lord does not abandon anyone forever. Though He brings grief, He also shows compassion according to the greatness of His unfailing love. For He does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow." (verses 31-33)
"But I called on Your name, Lord, from deep within the well, and You heard me! You listened to my pleading; You heard my weeping! Yes, You came at my despairing cry and told me, 'Do not fear.' " (verses 55-57)
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Looking for the Silver Lining
Yesterday started out well but by late afternoon the black cloud descended.......probably because I started the huge task of gathering receipts and papers for income tax. My filing system consists of throwing everything that comes in the mail into a laundry basket ( except bills ) and then having to sort through stacks of stuff to find what I need. I bet that's a shock to some of you who think I have it all together. By evening it was collected and when I added up the figures reality hit. I spent too much money in my hypomanic phase.....and we lost a huge chunk of our RRSP's when the markets crashed. I realized that we have to drastically change our lifestyle in order to navigate through these tough economic times. How does one do that? ......it seems overwhelming to me in this state. I couldn't face the Lord early this morning. So after Rick left for work I cried out my heart to Him in desperation.....and then found these verses left by my dear husband where I would find them.
"In this world you will have trouble, but be brave! I have defeated the world." (John 16:33 NCV)
"My God will use His wonderful riches in Christ Jesus to give you everything you need." (Philippians 4:19 NCV)
"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful." (Hebrews 10:23 NIV)
"Open up to the Lord, keep nothing back; He'll do whatever needs to be done." (Psalm 37:5 MSG)
"Depend on the Lord; trust Him and He will take care of you." (Psalm 37:5 NCV)
Women of Faith encouraged me to "Remember the wonders He has done." (I Chronicles 16:12) So I spent a long time going over the wonders God has performed in my life and the lives of my family members.
God Calling said," I am here. Here as truly as I was with My disciples of old. Here to bless and help you. Here to company with you. Study My words....carry them out unflinchingly.....be gradually transformed into My likeness."
Streams in the Desert continued to speak loud and clear. "They looked and there was the glory of the Lord appearing in the cloud." (Exodus 16:10)
"You should get into the habit of looking for the silver lining of storm clouds. And once you have found it, continue to focus on it rather than the dark gray of the center. Do not yield to discouragement no matter how severely stressed or surrounded by problems you may be. A discouraged soul is in a helpless state, being neither able to "stand against the devil's schemes" (Ephesians 6:11) himself nor able to prevail in prayer for others. Flee every symptom of the deadly foe of discouragement as you would run from a snake. Never be slow to turn your back on it, unless you desire to eat the dust of bitter defeat.
Search for specific promises of God, saying aloud of each one, "This promise is mine." Then if you still experience feelings of doubt and discouragement, pour your heart out to God, asking Him to rebuke the Adversary who is mercilessly harassing you.
The very instant you wholeheartedly turn away from every symptom of discouragement and lack of trust, the blessed Holy Spirit will reawaken your faith and breathe God's divine strength into your soul. Initially you may be unaware that this is happening, but as you determine to uncompromisingly shun every attack of even the tendency toward doubt and depression, you will quickly see the powers of darkness being turned back.....All the miraculous attributes of the Godhead are marshaled on the side of even the weakest believer who, in the name of Christ and in simple, childlike trust, yields himself to God and turns to Him for help and guidance."
I had just finished reading all this when the phone rang. It was daughter, Melody, calling to listen, comfort and encourage. Her words were like the icing on the cake.
"In this world you will have trouble, but be brave! I have defeated the world." (John 16:33 NCV)
"My God will use His wonderful riches in Christ Jesus to give you everything you need." (Philippians 4:19 NCV)
"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful." (Hebrews 10:23 NIV)
"Open up to the Lord, keep nothing back; He'll do whatever needs to be done." (Psalm 37:5 MSG)
"Depend on the Lord; trust Him and He will take care of you." (Psalm 37:5 NCV)
Women of Faith encouraged me to "Remember the wonders He has done." (I Chronicles 16:12) So I spent a long time going over the wonders God has performed in my life and the lives of my family members.
God Calling said," I am here. Here as truly as I was with My disciples of old. Here to bless and help you. Here to company with you. Study My words....carry them out unflinchingly.....be gradually transformed into My likeness."
Streams in the Desert continued to speak loud and clear. "They looked and there was the glory of the Lord appearing in the cloud." (Exodus 16:10)
"You should get into the habit of looking for the silver lining of storm clouds. And once you have found it, continue to focus on it rather than the dark gray of the center. Do not yield to discouragement no matter how severely stressed or surrounded by problems you may be. A discouraged soul is in a helpless state, being neither able to "stand against the devil's schemes" (Ephesians 6:11) himself nor able to prevail in prayer for others. Flee every symptom of the deadly foe of discouragement as you would run from a snake. Never be slow to turn your back on it, unless you desire to eat the dust of bitter defeat.
Search for specific promises of God, saying aloud of each one, "This promise is mine." Then if you still experience feelings of doubt and discouragement, pour your heart out to God, asking Him to rebuke the Adversary who is mercilessly harassing you.
The very instant you wholeheartedly turn away from every symptom of discouragement and lack of trust, the blessed Holy Spirit will reawaken your faith and breathe God's divine strength into your soul. Initially you may be unaware that this is happening, but as you determine to uncompromisingly shun every attack of even the tendency toward doubt and depression, you will quickly see the powers of darkness being turned back.....All the miraculous attributes of the Godhead are marshaled on the side of even the weakest believer who, in the name of Christ and in simple, childlike trust, yields himself to God and turns to Him for help and guidance."
I had just finished reading all this when the phone rang. It was daughter, Melody, calling to listen, comfort and encourage. Her words were like the icing on the cake.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Waiting For Morning
I had a good night's sleep and a little energy this morning for which I thank God. Three toilets which had things growing in them got cleaned and two loads of laundry got done. That is major progress. Now I am being wise and taking a rest. I am having to relearn how to do life....at a slower, more relaxed pace. This is extremely hard for me because I am a driven perfectionist who needs order and feels best when accomplishing things. I feel like God is putting a bridle on me and reigning me in....slowing down the racing steed to a nice steady trot. I pray I will learn the lesson and not have to go through this again.
Needing rest has allowed me to take time to read again and I am happily engaged with James R. Kok's book, Waiting for Morning: Seeking God in our Suffering. It is a small book....only 111 pages but it is full of wisdom from this director of pastoral care at the Crystal Cathedral in Garden Grove, California. I was fortunate enough to have sat under his teaching at a seminar in Grand Rapids a couple of years ago. I bought the book then but it sat unopened on my bookshelf till need presented itself.
Here's an excerpt......... "Wise prophets in every age observe that God rarely finds people useful to His purposes who have not been broken by life. Our suffering, so insidious and pervasive, so unwanted and despised, holds the franchise to unlocking closed hearts and opening barred minds. When the illusion of being in control of our lives shatters, then spiritual empty-handedness begins. That condition spurs us on to spiritual usefulness. Usually that takes one kind of smashing or another. The lovely paradox here is that this is precisely where joy and hope enter. The road to joy always seems to go through sadness and suffering. It's hard to get there any other way.........Ironically, spiritual growth involves our personal regression to that childlike dependency Jesus talks about: to become "poor in spirit." Then we are in Paul's words, "hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted but not abandoned; struck down but not destroyed" ( 2 Cor. 4:8-9 ). Healing and renewal come to Jesus' people sooner or later: "Weeping may endure for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." ( Psalm 30:5)
It's the old adage....no pain, no gain. I am encouraged that I am in a place of privilege....being smashed so that I become more fruitful....more useful to God in the end. Now for the patience.......
Needing rest has allowed me to take time to read again and I am happily engaged with James R. Kok's book, Waiting for Morning: Seeking God in our Suffering. It is a small book....only 111 pages but it is full of wisdom from this director of pastoral care at the Crystal Cathedral in Garden Grove, California. I was fortunate enough to have sat under his teaching at a seminar in Grand Rapids a couple of years ago. I bought the book then but it sat unopened on my bookshelf till need presented itself.
Here's an excerpt......... "Wise prophets in every age observe that God rarely finds people useful to His purposes who have not been broken by life. Our suffering, so insidious and pervasive, so unwanted and despised, holds the franchise to unlocking closed hearts and opening barred minds. When the illusion of being in control of our lives shatters, then spiritual empty-handedness begins. That condition spurs us on to spiritual usefulness. Usually that takes one kind of smashing or another. The lovely paradox here is that this is precisely where joy and hope enter. The road to joy always seems to go through sadness and suffering. It's hard to get there any other way.........Ironically, spiritual growth involves our personal regression to that childlike dependency Jesus talks about: to become "poor in spirit." Then we are in Paul's words, "hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted but not abandoned; struck down but not destroyed" ( 2 Cor. 4:8-9 ). Healing and renewal come to Jesus' people sooner or later: "Weeping may endure for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." ( Psalm 30:5)
It's the old adage....no pain, no gain. I am encouraged that I am in a place of privilege....being smashed so that I become more fruitful....more useful to God in the end. Now for the patience.......
It's Time
It's time to tell the story of how the title of this blog His Eye came to be. I love telling this story!
Last summer when I was in the throes of a deep depression my sister's friend, and now my friend, too.....dearest Belinda.....who has a wonderful blog of her own called Whatever He Says at www.whateverhesays.blogspot.com posted something which touched me very deeply on July 17th. I sat in my bed with my computer on my lap, tears streaming down my face as listened to this song:
That day had been very black and I had not been able to connect with God but from that moment on I knew in my heart what I already knew in my head......that God had His eye on me and He was watching over over me.....entering into my sorrow and bringing comfort to my troubled soul. And now as I listen to it again that same comfort is flooding my soul in new waves. It's more cause for rejoicing.
Belinda also shared the Scripture from Luke 12:6-7 (NLT version) that goes along with the song. "What is the price of five sparrows - two copper coins? Yet God does not forget a single one of them. And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows."
Last summer when I was in the throes of a deep depression my sister's friend, and now my friend, too.....dearest Belinda.....who has a wonderful blog of her own called Whatever He Says at www.whateverhesays.blogspot.com posted something which touched me very deeply on July 17th. I sat in my bed with my computer on my lap, tears streaming down my face as listened to this song:
That day had been very black and I had not been able to connect with God but from that moment on I knew in my heart what I already knew in my head......that God had His eye on me and He was watching over over me.....entering into my sorrow and bringing comfort to my troubled soul. And now as I listen to it again that same comfort is flooding my soul in new waves. It's more cause for rejoicing.
Belinda also shared the Scripture from Luke 12:6-7 (NLT version) that goes along with the song. "What is the price of five sparrows - two copper coins? Yet God does not forget a single one of them. And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows."
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