Help Is On The Way

I just spent a very profitable hour on the phone with a counselor. She advised me to call the doctor right away and tell him about how the medication was affecting me and try to get an earlier appointment. So I did! He told me I should go off the medication....that it should not have such a sedative effect and got me another appointment on Thursday afternoon. I am turning cartwheels..... in my head :) .....and am glad not to have to suffer through another day with feeling so drugged. To all of you who pray.....I need prayer for some good sleep without that medication.....until I can get to the doctor and get things sorted out. Also pray for wisdom for him in choosing another medication for me to try.

I wish I knew how to post this song, Help Is On The Way, by Michael W. Smith. It's one of my favorites from his new album A New Hallelujah. Anyway I'm singing it in my head and you can find it on YouTube.

Yet Will I Rejoice in The Lord

It has been a rugged couple of days. I went back on the medication on Sunday night so I could at least get some sleep. Sleep I received...deep sleep with no waking ....but during the day I am a total zombie with no motivation. It is hard even to get dressed, let alone exercise. I force myself to do only those things that are required...like getting food on the table and making sure Rick has clothes for work and a lunch.

I am learning something new....thought I had learned all there was to learn but I guess there is always more. Yesterday as I lay on my bed for a rest after lunch these words from a Scripture song popped into my mind from Habbakuk: " Though the fig tree does not blossom and there be no fruit on the vine, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food; though the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stall.....yet will I rejoice in the Lord...yet will I rejoice in the Lord. I will joy in the God of my salvation. God the Lord is my strength."

How is this possible?....to have joy in the midst of depression or loss or terrible circumstances. We can't possibly feel joy about the circumstances but we do have the choice to rejoice......in spite of them. I began to rejoice in the fact that God is on His throne and sovereign. While it seems for now that Satan is having a heyday and out to steal, kill and destroy, we know who wins in the end. God does. Our part is to be patient and not to despair and not let the enemy of our souls triumph over us. We can't wimp out. I can't give up. I have to get the praise music out and fill my ears with the truth of the Word of God and not give in to the feelings of despair. I have to continue to get up in the morning and feed my spirit with good things of God.....things that will build me up and nourish me and encourage me to go on.

Everywhere I turn there is encouragement......from the things I read in my devotionals.....from friends who e-mail, others who bring food, others who post good words on their blogs....family members who patiently listen. I am truly blessed and have much cause for joy. Now for the patience needed to wait for the healing..........I suppose it's a little like waiting for the brown dead of winter to pass and the green of spring to come. It seems to take forever. But yesterday....after some rain and a bit of sunshine.....I saw a little hint of green in the grass.......... and the robins are out in full force. There is hope!

Honesty is the Best Policy

Sometimes I wish I wasn't so transparent. I'm not good at hiding the truth. The truth is yesterday was a mountaintop experience and today I am in the pit.....after a sleepless night. The enemy roared around all night in my room looking for a victim and he did a good job of messing with my head. I started out praying when sleep wouldn't come but by the wee morning hours I was in despair and wanting to die. I didn't have the energy to get to church so I have been a couch potato surfing the net for help. I may be sidelined but I'm not giving up.

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "they are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for Me in earnest you will find Me when you seek Me. I will be found by you," says the Lord. (Jeremiah 29:11-14)

Stepping Out in Faith

I know people are going to be concerned for me when they find out I stopped taking the medication but I had to. It was making me sicker. I stopped it on Thursday night and had a little more energy yesterday....even getting outside to pick up pine cones off the lawn and rake up a few leaves. It felt wonderful to accomplish something.....and my head was much clearer to make decisions and work on some computer tasks.

This morning I received what I believe is direction from God to step out in faith and ask for healing. I have not done this for a very long time because the answer has always been 'no'. This morning it seemed He was being very clear through several different sources.

The first one was from Charles Stanley: "If we know that He hears us, whatever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we have asked of Him." (I John 5:15) Whatever we ask of God....we must offer with faith. We must truly believe that when we ask of God, He answers. We must totally believe that He is totally capable of handling all things according to the fullness of His plan and purpose for our life.

The second was from God Calling: Faith and obedience will remove mountains, but they must go hand in hand.

The third was from Streams in the Desert: God honors faith - stubborn faith - that sees His promise and looks to that alone. We must not overlook the fact that faith on our part helps God to carry out His plans.....Faith assists God. Faith honors God and God honors faith.......all things are "possible with God" (Luke 18:27) and "everything is possible for Him who believes". (Mark 9:23)

The fourth was from Scripture: "In my distress I prayed to the Lord, and the Lord answered me and rescued me. The Lord is for me, so I will not be afraid.....Yes the Lord is for me; He will help me. It is better to trust the Lord than to put confidence in people. It is better to trust the Lord than to put confidence in princes.......You did your best to kill me, O my enemy, but the Lord helped me. The Lord is my strength and my song; He has become my victory." Psalm 118

Four different sources. That's pretty strong leading. So I prayed in faith that God would heal my mind. It takes a lot of faith to say this into cyberspace but I felt I needed to confess it. So there....I have.....it's out there.

So far I have had a much better day. I exercised, did a few things around the house that needed doing and didn't get depressed or discouraged by the many piles of things that still need tackling. To me it's very clear evidence of healing. It would have been impossible to do this yesterday. I did everything mechanically yesterday because it had to be done. I forced myself. Today there was a new feeling of "Yes, I can do this! "

I am also finally wise enough to know that I have to make some lifestyle changes. I have to slow down and live within the limitations of my physical body. So I am taking steps to do that as well......little steps of obedience to go along with the big step of faith!

Doing What's Necessary

Today I feel like I am in quicksand. There's no better way to describe it. But you know what? God's in here with me and that's the only thing that makes it bearable. Well.....it does help that my sunshine, Joanna, is sitting across the table from me working on her design project. :) I was actually able to help her with some of it yesterday.....suggesting some changes here and there to make it more functional. That made me feel useful.

What I would really like to do is crawl into a hole and hibernate for a few months and come out all better. I told God this morning that I would really like it if He would take me home but was quick to add....."nevertheless, not my will but Yours be done." Don't worry, I'm not planning on suicide or anything. I would just like to be able to fast forward through the pain.

So instead I'm taking Francis of Assisi's words to heart: "Start by doing what's necessary, then what's possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible." Today I need to clean out....uh....shovel out the fridge so that's all I'm doing besides getting dressed and putting food on the table.

I'm finding a lot of solace in the Psalms. I love how David sometimes starts out in the pits and by the end of the psalm ends up praising and hoping instead of despairing.

Back in homeschooling days we used to read the Psalms by starting out with the number for the day and then adding 30 to that and so on till we had covered about five Psalms. So I have been doing that again. Today was Psalm 26, 56, 86, 116 and 146. Then because there are about enough chapters of the Proverbs for each day of the month I read one of those chapters as well.

Today I hang onto this verse from Psalm 146. "Happy are those who have the God of Israel as their helper, whose hope is in the Lord their God."

The Wednesday Morning Post

I borrowed the title of this post from my son, Ben, who blogs faithfully on Wednesday mornings. Hope you don't mind, Ben, just this once. :)

My mind is foggy and it is very difficult to write in this state but I know I will have no opportunity in the rest of the day so I am coming in weakness but knowing God's strength.

I was encouraged on Monday (as I read in the car on the way to Ottawa for a medical appointment and a visit with our clan there) from Isaiah 55:9 which says, "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways." Charles Stanley goes on to say..."Our definition of what is good changes as we come to Christ and grow into His likeness. God always sees what is absolutely good for us.....He gives us only the things that are truly beneficial for our growth as His children and that are beneficial for the growth of His Kingdom." I would like to take the liberty of changing one of his words to say He(God) allows only those things that are truly beneficial for our growth. God's original plan for me did not include for me to suffer from mental illness. (When He created the world it was perfect till sin entered in)........ but He is using it to mature me and refine me and make me more useful to Him.

I went on to read from Streams in the Desert........ "Great physical force is stored in the depths of the earth, in places such as coal mines. Coal was produced by the tremendous heat that burned the ancient forests. In the same way, spiritual force is stored in the depths of our being and is brought about by the very pain we cannot understand. Someday we will see that the plunder taken in battle from our trials was simply preparing us to become like Great-heart in Pilgrim's Progress, so we too could lead our fellow pilgrims triumphantly through trials to the city of the King. But may we never forget that the source of learning to help others must be the experience of victorious suffering. Whining and complaining about our pain never does any one any good. Paul never carried the gloom of a cemetery around with him, but a chorus of victorious praise."

So that is what I am endeavoring to do this time around.....get through this down time in a victorious , gracious way.

Then I went on to read from Psalm 23....."You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies." I'm telling you the feasts I continue to get in the morning as I read and pray have me stuffed full like I have just had a literal turkey dinner. God continues to feed and nourish my spirit in the presence of my enemies....Bipolar 2 and the medication I take which makes me feel like a zombie. Not only does He feed and nourish my spirit but He gives me things that will nourish and encourage others!

So I am feeling full of wonder and my cup is overflowing with blessings. Yesterday friend Franceen showed up unannounced with Moroccan vegetarian stew and a fresh loaf of bread from the bakery. ......such a blessing because my tummy is still nauseous and I'm finding it hard to decide on what to make for meals, get the stuff I need from the store and then do the preparation. God is good, folks. I am falling more deeply in love with Him each day!

Stay Tuned for the Wednesday Morning Post

It's in my head but I don't have the energy to write tonight. It's all good. Don't worry. Be happy. :)

A Prayer

Be with me in my silence and in my speech, in my haste and in my leisure, in company and in solitude, in the freshness of the morning and in the weariness of the evening; and give me grace at all times to rejoice in Thy mysterious companionship. John Baille

That is what I am doing tonight.....rejoicing in His mysterious companionship. I feel so different this time around. There is no deep sadness or despair.....just a badly burned out body that is moving at 1/4 speed and emotions that are very near the surface. I cannot begin to recount all that happened today but I can report that God was there in every circumstance and every encounter. He continues to surprise and amaze me, especially when He uses others to convey such love. I received many hugs today....all from people....but really from Him.

Sorrowful, Yet Rejoicing

I took the first pill last night with dinner in a restaurant at 6:30 p.m. On the way home we stopped to get a few groceries. At 7:30 p.m. Rick sent me out to the car while he finished up in the check out line because my legs were wobbly, I was feeling dizzy and I could hardly keep my eyes open. I hardly remember getting into bed and didn't rouse until much past my usual time this morning. I usually leap out of bed but it took a colossal effort to get going this morning.

My sacred time began a little later than usual because of the effects of the medication but these are the words from Colossians 2 that I read first on a daily calendar. "As you therefore have received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him, rooted and built up in Him,......abounding in it with thanksgiving." This is exactly how I have been describing my situation to others . Though I am sliding, I am more mature about it this time because I am deeply rooted and grounded in Christ. I continue to have a rich prayer life and know God's continued blessing in my life. I am still reeling from the 'warm body' yesterday!

I continued to read from Psalm 139....."You chart the path ahead of me and tell me where to stop and rest. (Resting is what I am so in need of after the flurry of activity in the last few months!) You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord. (Yesterday.....'I just need a warm body'.) You both precede and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to know!" (I say, 'Amen!', David.)

And then I picked up my most beloved book, Streams in the Desert, given to me by my dear mother many years ago, and read this: "Sorrowful, yet always rejoicing." 2 Corinthians 6:10. "It is said that springs of sweet, fresh water pool up amid the saltiness of the oceans, that the fairest Alpine flowers bloom in the wildest and most rugged mountain passes, and that the most magnificent psalms arose from the most profound agonies of the soul. May it continue to be! Therefore, amid a multitude of trials, souls who love God will discover reasons for boundless, leaping joy."

May it be so in my life..........I have to say that though the battery is dead the clock is still chiming. How bizarre is that. But it is true. I am going deeper....looking for buried treasure.....and I am confident that I will find it.

The day was quiet. My dear husband helped me get two weeks of laundry done and in between I rested and read and wrote e-mails. Now I head for the kitchen cupboard to retrieve another of those wacky pills and head off to dreamland......sorrowful, yet rejoicing.

It's Official. I am Crazy!

"The energizer bunny is going into hibernation for awhile to recharge."

Those were the last words I posted earlier this week on Facebook. It was actually a statement acknowledging that the manic phase of my bipolar disorder is over and I am now slowly sliding into the slough of despond written about in Pilgrim's Progress. It started very slowly and insidiously last Friday night with nausea which I thought was a flu bug coming on. When the nausea continued with no other flu like symptoms I realized it was anxiety.......the beginning of another bout of depression.

When I went to put on my watch this morning I realized that the time was wrong and the battery was dead. It was very symbolic....a metaphor of what has happened to my physical body as the result of way too much activity in the last few months coupled with the death of my beloved father and the addition of a new grandson to the family. My circuits overloaded and now I am faced with the prospect of a few months of downtime.

This week I realized for the first time that I will probably have to live with this new label 'bipolar' for the rest of my life. My doctor confirmed my suspicions today and gave me some new medication to try and even out the mood swings. Darn it all! I loved that manic phase. I could do anything. I was Superwoman....full of confidence and abounding with energy. Now I face the big black hole where I loathe myself. But there is one thing I am confident of and that is that God is with me. As I drove in the driveway this afternoon after running some errands I was in a state of mourning.....knowing what was ahead for me and grieving the wonderful high of the manic stage. Tears welled up as I poured out my heart to my God. "I know you are here, Lord, but I just need a warm body. I just need a warm body." I desperately needed a hug from somebody just to help ease the emotional pain I was feeling. I came in the house and sat down at the dining room table to eat a slice of pizza. The phone rang and it was my son Ben calling from his cell phone, asking if it was alright to come over. That very instant I realized God had answered my prayer before I had even voiced it to Him! Ben had taken the bus to our house because the internet connection in the library at Queen's wasn't working in the study carol where he had been sitting. A few moments after the phone call, I was in his arms being hugged. My God is true to His Word. "I will answer them before they even call to Me. While they are still talking to Me about their needs, I will go ahead and answer their prayers." (Isaiah 65:24)

I have a feeling that the big black hole isn't going to be so bleak and foreboding this time. How can it be when God is there? As I read yesterday in Psalm 18:28, "Lord, You have brought light to my life; My God, You light up my darkness." I know there are treasures to be unearthed in the darkness and I look forward to sharing more of them here in the days ahead.

It's All About Love

This is your friendly Kingston correspondent reporting on the wedding of my nephew Andrew Peter Hugh Stewart and Heather Alison Veenstra. It was a fairy tale wedding, crafted and executed by many loving hands. I came away from the experience feeling like I had just been immersed in a big tank......of LOVE. Heather was radiantly beautiful and as she walked down the aisle her joy was evident as her eyes were riveted on Andrew.....who only had eyes for her. The exchange between them was highly emotional. I was moved to tears as I snuggled closer to Rick, remembering our own wedding day 37 years ago. There was such beauty all around....the mothers and fathers and grandparents decked out in their finery, eyes shining with pride.....the children (and there are eight Stewart grandchildren ...and two more on the way!) all dressed up and interacting so lovingly with each other in the pews....the bridesmaids decked out in gorgeous chocolate brown dresses....and scores of cream colored roses. The bride's uncle performed the ceremony and it too, was a gift of love. Big brother Dan's gift of love was playing the recessional on his guitar, a song by U2 called Beautiful Day.

As we filed out of the church we chuckled to see an adjustment in the sign.....a gift of love and merriment hatched in the mind of Andrew's mother, Susan, the night before.

The reception was a blast. First we were entertained by the bride and groom with their first dance as a married couple. Rick captured it on video.




The buffet of food was indescribable. I wish we had had taken a photo!....every kind of appetizer imaginable, salads, meats, fruit, desserts galore and even a chocolate fountain. Everyone raved about the food and we all wished we had more room in our stomachs to enjoy the bountiful feast.

Mike Moore, Andrew's brother-in-law did an excellent job as master of ceremonies. We laughed our way through the speeches and were moved to tears by the blessings the parents bestowed on the bridal couple. We played a game to get Andrew and Heather to kiss....called "I think I see a beaver!" It's a private family joke which we were let in on. You'll have to ask Heather about it yourself. It's too hard to explain here! But it was loads of fun and even the grandchildren participated. The dancing was such a joy to watch and participate in. Ron, Andrew's father, was showing off his skill with his daughters as he danced with each of them, one by one....even Christy who is about to deliver a baby any day now. A little professional instruction really paid off!

The centre pieces on the tables were all hand made cakes.....chocolate and vanilla. Although they were made by many loving friends and family they all looked as if they had come from a very fine bakery. And the handmade chocolate favors were all made by Emily, Andrew's sister.

All I can say is this family of Stewarts really knows what love is all about......the Veenstras, too. They've got it down to a "T". We can all take some lessons from them. Thanks for a wonderful time, Stewarts and Veenstras! Can't wait for the next wedding! Any bets on who it will be????

I did forget to mention one thing. My sister, Susan, the mother of the groom (and eight other wonderful children) was radiantly beautiful......and husband Ron very dashing in his bow tie. Each one in the Stewart clan holds a special place in my heart as I got to know each of them a little better this weekend by watching and interacting with them individually.

There Are No Words

The early bird has suddenly become the night owl.....totally wired and unable to sleep. There are no words to adequately describe what has transpired in the last 24 hours. I cried all the way home from Cambridge.....tears of joy and thankfulness to my God who continues to love and lavish me with new gifts each day. Last night the gift was conversation between my brother and sister and I......three hours of talking, laughing and reminiscing. This has not happened since our childhood and it is something I have longed for. This morning there was a huge gift that was totally unanticipated. I still cannot believe it really happened. After breakfast at The Stone Crock in St. Jacobs my sister and I headed to Waterloo for a look at 103 Alexandra Avenue, our grandparents' old house. I had not been there since it was sold in 1978. As I was getting the camera out of the car to take a picture of it, Susan started a conversation with a gentleman on the porch and before we knew what had happened we were standing in the foyer, welcomed with open arms and invited to have a tour of the place. After the tour we stood in the bar room (our grandparents' old bedroom) and were offered beer and food which we graciously accepted......even though we were still stuffed from breakfast. I learned something about hospitality today and I will never forget it. We left with an invitation to return sometime in the summer and return we will......to drink beer and share good German food with new found friends.

When I arrived home tonight there was a third gift waiting....news that our nephew, Owen Edward Kouvelas had been born............on the one month anniversary of Dad's death. There are no words.......

Yes there are....."My gifts are better than the purest gold." Proverbs 8:19

A Bittersweet Day

Today is my dad's 85th birthday and I am waiting in Cambridge at a hotel.....waiting for my dear sister and brother and sister-in-law to arrive so we can celebrate.....without dad. It's almost a month since he passed away and it is finally starting to sink in that he's really gone. I miss him so much...the daily phone calls, the twinkle in his eye, his winsome ways. I got to know him so much better in the last year and a half since he wasn't well and couldn't go anywhere. I sat on the edge of his bed as often as I could get to Windsor...... trying to drink in the memories of times past, asking him questions...one after the other, knowing he would soon be gone and then I wouldn't know the answers to those things that were hazy in my mind. He loved reminiscing and I captured some of his stories on a voice recorder. I brought it along for us to listen to.

There will be cake, Dad.....chocolate cake because it was your favorite....and presents....precious things you left behind for us that I plan to give to David and Susan. And one for me, too, that fell out of the book you kept your treasures in. These are the words on that page that are so precious to me:

When everything seems hopeless
And life is hard to bear
Just find a quiet corner
And say a special prayer

Ask God to give you strength
To see you through each day
For He alone can help you
He alone can pave the way

Believe in Him and trust Him
Let Him be your Guide
Miraculous things will happen
When He is by your side

Once your cross is lifted
And you find that you can cope
Be sure to thank Almighty God
For giving you new hope!

Spring has Sprung

I just want everyone to know that Spring officially arrived today in my books.....even though the calendar states that it's a couple of weeks away on the 20th of March. I was sitting reading in my sacred space very early this morning when I heard a bird singing outside the family room window. I wanted to run outside and announce it to the world.....but I didn't. It was too early and no one would have heard anyway. So I kept this tidbit of joy to myself....until now. Happy Spring!