A Better Day

A week ago today was the car accident and I had to drive into town again with the exact same weather conditions. I was nervous and observant of everything around me. The cockiness and confidence of last week were traded in for a cautious awareness of my surroundings on the road. I drove in silence....grateful to be alive and on the road again.....humbled by God's miraculous intervention. As I drove I thought about how Jesus came to rescue the lost.....the hurting.....the bruised.....the wandering. And I realized I was one of those. He rescued me last week to make real to me His eternal love for me.....which doesn't depend on my performance or my mood. I deserved to die but He rescued me.

Today was a better day because of the encouragement and teaching I received at Barnabas House......because of two friends who came to visit and the laughter we enjoyed together. One of the things I must not do is allow myself to withdraw. I have to make a conscious effort to engage with people every day.......and exercise......and connect with God.

Yesterday I went for a fifty minute walk after the rain stopped and tonight the weights are coming out.......I hope I can find them. :)

Major Update

The summer was far too busy and went by way too fast to suit me. I just haven't had time to blog or keep up with other people's blogs in all the busyness. Haven't taken time to exercise either and my body is feeling the effects. It took a lot of effort to downsize and move out of 419. I was still there doing finishing touches in the early morning hours of the closing date last Friday. We are slowly settling in here in Westport......all the furniture is in place and pictures are hung but there are still dozens of boxes in the garage to be sorted through and more purging necessary if we are ever going to be able to sleep in the garage again. Yes, we slept in the garage on a very comfortable airbed to make room for visiting family members in August. It worked out just great and we plan to do it again as the need arises.

Mentally, I am feeling flat and lethargic......and pretty discouraged about it. I can feel myself wanting to withdraw from people and the joy and energy are gone. Maybe I'm just exhausted or maybe I need the endorphins that exercise bring. Maybe I'm starting the downward spiral again. I'm trying to tweak the medication a little bit myself before making an appointment with the doctor......upping the antidepressant and cutting down on the Seroquel. I know I have to get on the bike again but I just don't feel like it. I need somebody to be accountable to.

I long for the hypomania to return. I miss the energy, the creativity, the joy and all the social interaction. I miss my charismatic personality and the ease with which I interact with people. I miss waking up in the early morning and having time alone with God before the rest of the world wakes up. Will I ever experience these things again? I live in hope.

I should be jumping up and down for joy because I survived a very serious car accident unscathed earlier this week. I lost control of our car on a rain slick curve and ended up upside down on somebody's lawn. I just missed a hydro pole. The car was a total write off.

I feel like a write off.