Media Moron

Yes, while I hate to admit it, that's me. I'm a media moron. My laptop has gobbled up way too much of my time so I decided to use Lent to help me disconnect and deal with my addiction. I'm only a few days into my fast and it's going pretty well. I've used the extra time to read, knit, sew and organize my recipes. I only allow myself to keep in touch with people by e-mail, research my Junior Church lessons and listen to Scripture while I work around the house. No more Netflix. No more Facebook. No more Twitter. No more surfing. No more games. Hopefully, by the end of the 40 days, I will be free and able to use my time wisely.

Starting Over

It's been a long time since I've written anything here.....2010 to be exact. Where has the time gone? They say it goes faster the older you are. I believe it! I've thought about writing from time to time but was hesitant to take the plunge. I doubt that I will have much of an audience so I can treat this like a journal I suppose.

The most significant thing that has happened to me during my hiatus from writing is a return to normal....if you can call it that. When we moved to Westport I was seeing a very good psychiatrist who 'just happened' to be a Christian. I was in treatment for 18 months before he found the right cocktail of drugs to keep me stable. And stable I have been for 4 years now. No more roller coaster. No more mood swings. I am so very thankful for that.  It has not come without a cost, though. There are side effects to contend with.

I take my medication between 7 and 8 p.m. and it takes effect about two hours later. I sleep soundly but need Rick to get me up in the morning. I feel groggy and just want to stay in bed for a few more hours. He sits me up, gives me my robe and I head to the kitchen for coffee. I fight off the urge to go back to bed. It seems like a waste of precious morning time.

 I have put on weight as well. It goes along with the drugs. My body has taken on the shape of a cube. I look in the mirror at the extra padding .....30 lbs. worth and wonder if will ever see the slim me again. I have a minimal wardrobe of 'fat' clothes, not wanting to buy too much because I plan on losing weight. I also have some 'skinny' clothes tucked away.....hoping that one day I will fit into them again. I have come to believe that it is just wishful thinking.

By far, the most difficult  and disappointing side effect is that  I have lost my mental acuity and creative edge. I muck around trying to find words that I should know. It takes hours to complete my bookkeeping tasks for the church and to think through problems that used to be so simple.

Then there are regrets. I try not to think about them because they cause me great angst. I have said and done things in my manic state that are hurtful and embarrassing to family and friends.  My behaviour was wild and selfish and unrestrained and I had grandiose ideas of myself. I whirled around like a tornado, leaving devastation in my path. I continue to feel ashamed of that. I remind myself that being bipolar is a disorder, a malfunction and that it wasn't the real me who said and did those things. It doesn't help. I am stuck feeling this way.

Starting over seems like a good idea.