Today was an incredible day. It started later in the morning than I am used to.....I woke up to the sound of jackhammers in the backyard. I glanced over at the clock and couldn't believe that I had actually slept in till 8:45 a.m. I'm usually awake by 4 a.m. and am just too groggy to get up then. So I stay in bed and doze off and on until 7 a.m. when it's time to get up and get my husband off to work. Last night I took two Diazepam and two Gravols and that's why I slept in. I think I'll continue doing that on the days when I know I don't have to be up so early. I think it just might help me put the brakes on a little till I get to the doctor next week.
Shortly after I got up, my friend, Linda called to ask me if I would call a mutual acquaintance, Hannah, who is feeling very depressed and unable to cope anymore. I called her right away and she agreed that I could come over. When I talked with Hannah over the phone it was evident that she was pretty low so I threw on some clothes, dragged a brush through my hair, gulped down a muffin and dashed off to her place. On the way in the car I prayed....for wisdom, compassion, words that would help and comfort her. And I realized that God had been preparing me over the last ten weeks or so to be His hands, His heart in this particular situation. I could see purpose in the pain I suffered....pain that meant I could empathize and make Hannah feel free to share deeply with me what was going on in her life. I believe what I shared with her was a comfort and encouragement. As we cleaned up her breakfast dishes we talked about some things that would help her situation and I promised to help....... along with some other friends to carry her burden. Her face softened a bit. I hope she realized that "Help is on the Way". I arranged for someone to bring her a meal tonight and I'm going to pop in again with Michael W. Smith's new album. Perhaps it will bring a spark of hope.
(Names have been changed to protect the privacy of the women involved.)
Friday, May 29, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
I Am Slowly Going Crazy
While I was washing the dishes tonight, one of Sharon, Lois and Bram's kids' songs popped into my head. It is a very accurate description of what is happening in my brain right now.
In the space of two weeks I have gone from dragging my tail in the sand like a tortoise to jack rabbiting through the forest at lightning speed. I know I have to put on the brakes somehow but all I can think of is slowly cutting back on the antidepressant until my appointment with my psychiatrist next week. I don't think he expected me to rally from the depression quite this quickly. Neither did I. Two weeks ago I could hardly handle a visit from my daughter and her two sweet girls. I wasn't answering the phone unless it was absolutely necessary or going out of the house. Today I went out for coffee in the morning with a friend for two hours and then again in the afternoon with three more friends for another two hours. I made cookies and hot chocolate for the troops in the backyard who are digging up our basement in the pouring rain. Then I went out after dinner with my husband to buy some flowers to plant in containers for the front of the house. I also made several phone calls to family and chatted at length. My husband is telling me to be quiet so he can study. I am chatty Cathy. Help!!!!!!!!!
As of yet I have not really reestablished my relationship with God. I am a lost soul......wandering.....with way too much to do because of getting the house ready to sell and no time for reflection or exercise. How does one exercise in the pouring rain or in a basement that has no carpet on the floor? I know these things will return in time........and I trust God still loves me and His eye is still on me even though I am not spending two hours with Him every morning. I just can't get up early anymore with the sleeping medication I have to take. Tomorrow is a new day. It's going to pour rain again all day. I don't plan on going anywhere or seeing anyone and hopefully the workmen won't come and the jackhammers in the backyard will be silent.
In the space of two weeks I have gone from dragging my tail in the sand like a tortoise to jack rabbiting through the forest at lightning speed. I know I have to put on the brakes somehow but all I can think of is slowly cutting back on the antidepressant until my appointment with my psychiatrist next week. I don't think he expected me to rally from the depression quite this quickly. Neither did I. Two weeks ago I could hardly handle a visit from my daughter and her two sweet girls. I wasn't answering the phone unless it was absolutely necessary or going out of the house. Today I went out for coffee in the morning with a friend for two hours and then again in the afternoon with three more friends for another two hours. I made cookies and hot chocolate for the troops in the backyard who are digging up our basement in the pouring rain. Then I went out after dinner with my husband to buy some flowers to plant in containers for the front of the house. I also made several phone calls to family and chatted at length. My husband is telling me to be quiet so he can study. I am chatty Cathy. Help!!!!!!!!!
As of yet I have not really reestablished my relationship with God. I am a lost soul......wandering.....with way too much to do because of getting the house ready to sell and no time for reflection or exercise. How does one exercise in the pouring rain or in a basement that has no carpet on the floor? I know these things will return in time........and I trust God still loves me and His eye is still on me even though I am not spending two hours with Him every morning. I just can't get up early anymore with the sleeping medication I have to take. Tomorrow is a new day. It's going to pour rain again all day. I don't plan on going anywhere or seeing anyone and hopefully the workmen won't come and the jackhammers in the backyard will be silent.
Monday, May 25, 2009
What's Up
Me......that's what's up. Since I last posted I have gradually gotten better and better until I feel like I am back in my own skin again. It took ten weeks this time instead of six months. For that I am VERY grateful because at this point in time I really NEED to be better.........because my husband has taken a new job an hour north of here and we will be moving as soon as our house sells. There is so much to do because we have lived in this old house (which was built in 1970) for the last 22 years. Repairs are still ongoing from the flood we had in the basement in early April and there are workmen outside doing repairs so we can pass a building inspection after the for sale sign goes up.
This past week I was very grateful that I was feeling well enough to go and help my daughter while her 18 month old son had surgery to repair his cleft palate. He and his three year old sister were the icing on the cake for me.....so therapeutic.
This morning I looked at one of my inspirational calendars and my eyes landed on these words....... Friends multiply joy and divide sorrow........and I immediately thanked God that I have friends......friends that are near and dear who brought food and flowers and sent notes of encouragement and phoned to see how I was doing............ and friends far away in cyberspace that are just as dear because they reached out to comfort and encourage with their words even though some of them didn't know me. I also have the most understanding and compassionate family in the whole world. They all felt my pain and responded in love......the love of God. It reminds me of that verse from Ecclesiastes........."Two are better than one........if one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!"
This past week I was very grateful that I was feeling well enough to go and help my daughter while her 18 month old son had surgery to repair his cleft palate. He and his three year old sister were the icing on the cake for me.....so therapeutic.
This morning I looked at one of my inspirational calendars and my eyes landed on these words....... Friends multiply joy and divide sorrow........and I immediately thanked God that I have friends......friends that are near and dear who brought food and flowers and sent notes of encouragement and phoned to see how I was doing............ and friends far away in cyberspace that are just as dear because they reached out to comfort and encourage with their words even though some of them didn't know me. I also have the most understanding and compassionate family in the whole world. They all felt my pain and responded in love......the love of God. It reminds me of that verse from Ecclesiastes........."Two are better than one........if one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!"
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
When God Seems Far Away
One of the most difficult things for me during these times of depression is not being able to feel God's presence. My head knows He will never leave me but my heart does not. It is very hard to go from feeling such connection with Him in the hypomanic state to feeling such disconnection and abandonment in the darkness. One of my blog friends is feeling the same way right now so I hope this will be an encouragement to both of us and others who may be feeling alone in their struggle.
I subscribe to a daily devotional by Os Hillman and this comes from his post for today:
"Why, O Lord, do you stand far off? Why do you hide Yourself in times of trouble?" -Psalm 10:1
One of the great mysteries of God is His ways. Some of His ways almost appear to bring us into the most difficult places, as if He were indifferent to our circumstances. It would appear that He is turning His head from our sorrows. These events in our lives have a particular objective to perform for us. That objective is to bring us to the end of ourselves that we might discover the treasure of darkness. "Yet when I hoped for good, evil came; when I looked for light, then came darkness" (Job 30:26).
When we are taken into these dark periods, we begin to see light that we never knew existed. Our sensitivities become heightened and our ability to see through spiritual eyes is illuminated. Unless we are taken into these times, our souls never develop any depth of character. We do not gain wisdom, only knowledge. Knowledge is gained through understanding; wisdom is gained through the experience of darkness.
After we go through these periods, we discover that God was, in fact, with us throughout the entire time. It does not feel or appear that He is there when we are in the midst of the dark periods. However, He is there walking with us. He has told us countless times that He will never leave us. However, when we are in those dark periods, it does not feel like He is there because He does not rescue us from the circumstances. He does this for our benefit in order that we might become more like Jesus. Jesus learned obedience from the things He suffered. (see Hebrews 5:8) What does that say about how you and I will learn obedience? Embrace the dark times and gain the wisdom that God intends for you from these times.
Hmmm. I have to think about this for awhile. Why do I have such a hard time with the embracing of it? I think it is because I can see purpose when it is over and done with it but not when I am in the throes of it. Depression clouds your thinking making everything seem so very hard. I am starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel, though. I have been out walking of my own accord almost every day for a week now, listening to worship music on my I-pod. This is major progress for me because even the thought of going out outside the house has made me too anxious for the last month or so. I tried the grocery store with my husband on Saturday but that was way too scary. I'll stick to walking for awhile......and hopefully biking soon.
I subscribe to a daily devotional by Os Hillman and this comes from his post for today:
"Why, O Lord, do you stand far off? Why do you hide Yourself in times of trouble?" -Psalm 10:1
One of the great mysteries of God is His ways. Some of His ways almost appear to bring us into the most difficult places, as if He were indifferent to our circumstances. It would appear that He is turning His head from our sorrows. These events in our lives have a particular objective to perform for us. That objective is to bring us to the end of ourselves that we might discover the treasure of darkness. "Yet when I hoped for good, evil came; when I looked for light, then came darkness" (Job 30:26).
When we are taken into these dark periods, we begin to see light that we never knew existed. Our sensitivities become heightened and our ability to see through spiritual eyes is illuminated. Unless we are taken into these times, our souls never develop any depth of character. We do not gain wisdom, only knowledge. Knowledge is gained through understanding; wisdom is gained through the experience of darkness.
After we go through these periods, we discover that God was, in fact, with us throughout the entire time. It does not feel or appear that He is there when we are in the midst of the dark periods. However, He is there walking with us. He has told us countless times that He will never leave us. However, when we are in those dark periods, it does not feel like He is there because He does not rescue us from the circumstances. He does this for our benefit in order that we might become more like Jesus. Jesus learned obedience from the things He suffered. (see Hebrews 5:8) What does that say about how you and I will learn obedience? Embrace the dark times and gain the wisdom that God intends for you from these times.
Hmmm. I have to think about this for awhile. Why do I have such a hard time with the embracing of it? I think it is because I can see purpose when it is over and done with it but not when I am in the throes of it. Depression clouds your thinking making everything seem so very hard. I am starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel, though. I have been out walking of my own accord almost every day for a week now, listening to worship music on my I-pod. This is major progress for me because even the thought of going out outside the house has made me too anxious for the last month or so. I tried the grocery store with my husband on Saturday but that was way too scary. I'll stick to walking for awhile......and hopefully biking soon.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Trusting and Enduring
When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer.
-Corrie Ten Boom
So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that He has promised.
Hebrews 10:35-36
-Corrie Ten Boom
So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that He has promised.
Hebrews 10:35-36
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