It's Official. I am Crazy!

"The energizer bunny is going into hibernation for awhile to recharge."

Those were the last words I posted earlier this week on Facebook. It was actually a statement acknowledging that the manic phase of my bipolar disorder is over and I am now slowly sliding into the slough of despond written about in Pilgrim's Progress. It started very slowly and insidiously last Friday night with nausea which I thought was a flu bug coming on. When the nausea continued with no other flu like symptoms I realized it was anxiety.......the beginning of another bout of depression.

When I went to put on my watch this morning I realized that the time was wrong and the battery was dead. It was very symbolic....a metaphor of what has happened to my physical body as the result of way too much activity in the last few months coupled with the death of my beloved father and the addition of a new grandson to the family. My circuits overloaded and now I am faced with the prospect of a few months of downtime.

This week I realized for the first time that I will probably have to live with this new label 'bipolar' for the rest of my life. My doctor confirmed my suspicions today and gave me some new medication to try and even out the mood swings. Darn it all! I loved that manic phase. I could do anything. I was Superwoman....full of confidence and abounding with energy. Now I face the big black hole where I loathe myself. But there is one thing I am confident of and that is that God is with me. As I drove in the driveway this afternoon after running some errands I was in a state of mourning.....knowing what was ahead for me and grieving the wonderful high of the manic stage. Tears welled up as I poured out my heart to my God. "I know you are here, Lord, but I just need a warm body. I just need a warm body." I desperately needed a hug from somebody just to help ease the emotional pain I was feeling. I came in the house and sat down at the dining room table to eat a slice of pizza. The phone rang and it was my son Ben calling from his cell phone, asking if it was alright to come over. That very instant I realized God had answered my prayer before I had even voiced it to Him! Ben had taken the bus to our house because the internet connection in the library at Queen's wasn't working in the study carol where he had been sitting. A few moments after the phone call, I was in his arms being hugged. My God is true to His Word. "I will answer them before they even call to Me. While they are still talking to Me about their needs, I will go ahead and answer their prayers." (Isaiah 65:24)

I have a feeling that the big black hole isn't going to be so bleak and foreboding this time. How can it be when God is there? As I read yesterday in Psalm 18:28, "Lord, You have brought light to my life; My God, You light up my darkness." I know there are treasures to be unearthed in the darkness and I look forward to sharing more of them here in the days ahead.