The Gift of Empathy

I couldn't post yesterday because things were just too black and I had nothing to say. A friend stopped by with soup and homemade bread and we hugged for dear life.

This morning I went to the doctor again and he added Wellbutrin and some thyroid hormone to the Celexa......to see if that would get me out of the cloud faster. I spent most of the rest of day in bed thinking of ways to end the pain. Then I got up and Googled What happens to Christians who commit suicide?...... and read many thoughts about that........ Decided it wasn't an option......or a poor option.

Then I checked e-mail. I heard from the friend who stopped in yesterday. I shared back exactly what was going on. Part of her reply was this:

"You may be real with me. I understand. Please hold on. Even if you can no longer find hope in your own heart, lean on my hope for you..........It is the pain you want to kill, not yourself. The pain has become so terrible that it feels like it is consuming you and you don't know how to survive when the pain is hurting you that badly. Others have felt that way too. I'll attach a poem that has meant a lot to me because it talks about that kind of pain, and it feels good to let the tears flow knowing that you are not alone with that kind of pain - others have felt it too. Somehow it does bring help to hear our pain put into words by someone else who has been there."

I read the poem twice and let the tears flow. They were like a cleansing stream.

Later, as I read from The Impact of God: Soundings from St John of the Cross all of a sudden it was made very clear to me why this friend was able to be such a comfort to me. This is a paraphrase of Iain Matthew, the author's words: She has the gift of empathy born of experiencing the same pain I have. The pain that molded her had also endowed her with an extraordinary capacity to enter my heart, and understand it. Her experience gave her access to me at my point of need.

This same friend also gave me the book.......the last time I was depressed.......but I never read it then. It seems like this present moment is the appointed time.

So I'm feeling deeply grateful to God tonight......for using my friend to reach into my darkness with a blazing torch. I am also feeling more settled about why this pain is necessary in my life.....so that I might be used as His instrument down the road.......when I am better........ the same way He has powerfully used my friend.