Yesterday I wrote on Facebook, "I need and ark.....and quick." This morning my friend Jeannie without knowing of these words wrote this in an e-mail :
"I just wanted to send you this inspirational Scripture verse: 'On the seventeenth day of the seventh month the ark came to rest on the mountains of Ararat. The waters continued to recede until the tenth month, and on the first day of the tenth month the tops of the mountains became visible.' (Genesis 8:4-5).........Just a little black humor."
It made me laugh, which I didn't think was possible. Things got pretty bleak last night as the reality of the flood sunk in and I realized what is ahead of us. In tears I phoned Connie, a prayer warrior from our church and asked her to pray with me. She listened compassionately and prayed very lovingly and I was able to settle down and get to sleep.....until 3 a.m. Then Rick got up with me, gave me a Gravol and read to me till I fell back to sleep again for another few hours.
The waters have receded and there are fans and dehumidifiers percolating away downstairs but there are mountains of wet things to go through and dispose of .....all of which I have no energy for....And the upstairs smells of the dampness in the bowels of the house......and men are coming to cart wet stuff away and cut out the carpet.......I have to stop thinking about the bad stuff.
I need to remind myself that His eye is on me, He is grieving with me and for me and will carry me through this......one day at a time.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Peace
We woke up to a massive flood in the crawlspace and basement. The sump pump is not working due to an electrical failure.....we think. I am strangely peaceful. I cannot believe my reaction. I did not wail or cry out or swear like I have in the times past when it has happened. And this is by far the worst one we have ever had. Rick and Joanna have gone to church. I am waiting here for help to arrive. A test....a big test. I want to pass this one and give the glory to God.
"I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn't like the world gives. So don't be troubled or afraid." (John 14:27)
I am encouraged. I have peace of mind and heart and my dear Friend is right beside me holding my hand.
And upon further reflection.....there is a bright side to it all. The basement and crawlspace are finally going to get cleaned out. Maybe it is a blessing in disguise. :)
"I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn't like the world gives. So don't be troubled or afraid." (John 14:27)
I am encouraged. I have peace of mind and heart and my dear Friend is right beside me holding my hand.
And upon further reflection.....there is a bright side to it all. The basement and crawlspace are finally going to get cleaned out. Maybe it is a blessing in disguise. :)
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Hope
Yesterday was probably the worst day yet, physically and mentally. I thank God for the internet which is a big help to me in these times. It gives me connection which I so desperately need. I found a wonderful blog by a woman in her fifties, Syd, whose situation closely parallels mine in that she suffers from bipolar 2, fibromyalgia and insomnia and she shares my faith in God. What a gift. I am so thankful. Syd can be found at http://bipolarity1.blogspot.com
I had a longer and better sleep last night from having added Gravol to the mix. I still feel very weak and nauseous......but I know that there is light at the end of the tunnel from past experience.
Scripture comforts and brings hope to me.
"What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see." (Hebrews 1:1)
"And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in You." (Psalm 39:7)
I had a longer and better sleep last night from having added Gravol to the mix. I still feel very weak and nauseous......but I know that there is light at the end of the tunnel from past experience.
Scripture comforts and brings hope to me.
"What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see." (Hebrews 1:1)
"And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in You." (Psalm 39:7)
Friday, April 3, 2009
Hanging On By A Thread
I watched in horror at a tiny spider dangling precariously by an invisible thread over a bathtub full of hot water this morning. I wonder if he knew just how close he was to drowning. My horror soon turned to wonder as I watched him very slowly go up and down the thread until he finally reached safety on the ceiling.
I think my heavenly Father was using that spider to speak to me. I literally feel like I am hanging by a thread...so close to losing it at times....up and down in the space of a few hours. I'm not whining......just telling it like it is....no energy.....no motivation....queasy stomach.....no appetite...muscles burning with fibromyalgia pain.....waking up way too early in the morning........seeing brown instead of green. I know it is temporary....until the medication works...... but it is still very hard to hang onto that thread at times. God was gently showing me that I need to hang on to hope and take courage......just like the spider. He is beside me cheering me on along with a host of other praying friends and family.
Our church is planning a service this Sunday with an emphasis on mental illness....to tie in with the distress and anguish Jesus suffered knowing what He faced on the cross. I want to be there but I don't know yet if I can. Just getting showered and dressed takes huge effort....and then there is the anxiety of being in a crowd full of happy people. If I could just be invisible......
I chatted with my sister via e-mail in the wee hours of the morning. We share the same genes and the same maladies. But she holds down a full time very demanding job. I don't know how she does it ....along with her family of nine children and umpteen grandchildren. She also leads worship at her church and is an accomplished writer and photographer. I dare not compare myself to her. I just wouldn't measure up. But she inspires me and is one of my 'encouragers.' I thank God for this very dear sister of mine.
God is my biggest encourager. This morning He drew me to these words from Lamentations 3:
"For the Lord does not abandon anyone forever. Though He brings grief, He also shows compassion according to the greatness of His unfailing love. For He does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow." (verses 31-33)
"But I called on Your name, Lord, from deep within the well, and You heard me! You listened to my pleading; You heard my weeping! Yes, You came at my despairing cry and told me, 'Do not fear.' " (verses 55-57)
I think my heavenly Father was using that spider to speak to me. I literally feel like I am hanging by a thread...so close to losing it at times....up and down in the space of a few hours. I'm not whining......just telling it like it is....no energy.....no motivation....queasy stomach.....no appetite...muscles burning with fibromyalgia pain.....waking up way too early in the morning........seeing brown instead of green. I know it is temporary....until the medication works...... but it is still very hard to hang onto that thread at times. God was gently showing me that I need to hang on to hope and take courage......just like the spider. He is beside me cheering me on along with a host of other praying friends and family.
Our church is planning a service this Sunday with an emphasis on mental illness....to tie in with the distress and anguish Jesus suffered knowing what He faced on the cross. I want to be there but I don't know yet if I can. Just getting showered and dressed takes huge effort....and then there is the anxiety of being in a crowd full of happy people. If I could just be invisible......
I chatted with my sister via e-mail in the wee hours of the morning. We share the same genes and the same maladies. But she holds down a full time very demanding job. I don't know how she does it ....along with her family of nine children and umpteen grandchildren. She also leads worship at her church and is an accomplished writer and photographer. I dare not compare myself to her. I just wouldn't measure up. But she inspires me and is one of my 'encouragers.' I thank God for this very dear sister of mine.
God is my biggest encourager. This morning He drew me to these words from Lamentations 3:
"For the Lord does not abandon anyone forever. Though He brings grief, He also shows compassion according to the greatness of His unfailing love. For He does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow." (verses 31-33)
"But I called on Your name, Lord, from deep within the well, and You heard me! You listened to my pleading; You heard my weeping! Yes, You came at my despairing cry and told me, 'Do not fear.' " (verses 55-57)
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Looking for the Silver Lining
Yesterday started out well but by late afternoon the black cloud descended.......probably because I started the huge task of gathering receipts and papers for income tax. My filing system consists of throwing everything that comes in the mail into a laundry basket ( except bills ) and then having to sort through stacks of stuff to find what I need. I bet that's a shock to some of you who think I have it all together. By evening it was collected and when I added up the figures reality hit. I spent too much money in my hypomanic phase.....and we lost a huge chunk of our RRSP's when the markets crashed. I realized that we have to drastically change our lifestyle in order to navigate through these tough economic times. How does one do that? ......it seems overwhelming to me in this state. I couldn't face the Lord early this morning. So after Rick left for work I cried out my heart to Him in desperation.....and then found these verses left by my dear husband where I would find them.
"In this world you will have trouble, but be brave! I have defeated the world." (John 16:33 NCV)
"My God will use His wonderful riches in Christ Jesus to give you everything you need." (Philippians 4:19 NCV)
"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful." (Hebrews 10:23 NIV)
"Open up to the Lord, keep nothing back; He'll do whatever needs to be done." (Psalm 37:5 MSG)
"Depend on the Lord; trust Him and He will take care of you." (Psalm 37:5 NCV)
Women of Faith encouraged me to "Remember the wonders He has done." (I Chronicles 16:12) So I spent a long time going over the wonders God has performed in my life and the lives of my family members.
God Calling said," I am here. Here as truly as I was with My disciples of old. Here to bless and help you. Here to company with you. Study My words....carry them out unflinchingly.....be gradually transformed into My likeness."
Streams in the Desert continued to speak loud and clear. "They looked and there was the glory of the Lord appearing in the cloud." (Exodus 16:10)
"You should get into the habit of looking for the silver lining of storm clouds. And once you have found it, continue to focus on it rather than the dark gray of the center. Do not yield to discouragement no matter how severely stressed or surrounded by problems you may be. A discouraged soul is in a helpless state, being neither able to "stand against the devil's schemes" (Ephesians 6:11) himself nor able to prevail in prayer for others. Flee every symptom of the deadly foe of discouragement as you would run from a snake. Never be slow to turn your back on it, unless you desire to eat the dust of bitter defeat.
Search for specific promises of God, saying aloud of each one, "This promise is mine." Then if you still experience feelings of doubt and discouragement, pour your heart out to God, asking Him to rebuke the Adversary who is mercilessly harassing you.
The very instant you wholeheartedly turn away from every symptom of discouragement and lack of trust, the blessed Holy Spirit will reawaken your faith and breathe God's divine strength into your soul. Initially you may be unaware that this is happening, but as you determine to uncompromisingly shun every attack of even the tendency toward doubt and depression, you will quickly see the powers of darkness being turned back.....All the miraculous attributes of the Godhead are marshaled on the side of even the weakest believer who, in the name of Christ and in simple, childlike trust, yields himself to God and turns to Him for help and guidance."
I had just finished reading all this when the phone rang. It was daughter, Melody, calling to listen, comfort and encourage. Her words were like the icing on the cake.
"In this world you will have trouble, but be brave! I have defeated the world." (John 16:33 NCV)
"My God will use His wonderful riches in Christ Jesus to give you everything you need." (Philippians 4:19 NCV)
"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful." (Hebrews 10:23 NIV)
"Open up to the Lord, keep nothing back; He'll do whatever needs to be done." (Psalm 37:5 MSG)
"Depend on the Lord; trust Him and He will take care of you." (Psalm 37:5 NCV)
Women of Faith encouraged me to "Remember the wonders He has done." (I Chronicles 16:12) So I spent a long time going over the wonders God has performed in my life and the lives of my family members.
God Calling said," I am here. Here as truly as I was with My disciples of old. Here to bless and help you. Here to company with you. Study My words....carry them out unflinchingly.....be gradually transformed into My likeness."
Streams in the Desert continued to speak loud and clear. "They looked and there was the glory of the Lord appearing in the cloud." (Exodus 16:10)
"You should get into the habit of looking for the silver lining of storm clouds. And once you have found it, continue to focus on it rather than the dark gray of the center. Do not yield to discouragement no matter how severely stressed or surrounded by problems you may be. A discouraged soul is in a helpless state, being neither able to "stand against the devil's schemes" (Ephesians 6:11) himself nor able to prevail in prayer for others. Flee every symptom of the deadly foe of discouragement as you would run from a snake. Never be slow to turn your back on it, unless you desire to eat the dust of bitter defeat.
Search for specific promises of God, saying aloud of each one, "This promise is mine." Then if you still experience feelings of doubt and discouragement, pour your heart out to God, asking Him to rebuke the Adversary who is mercilessly harassing you.
The very instant you wholeheartedly turn away from every symptom of discouragement and lack of trust, the blessed Holy Spirit will reawaken your faith and breathe God's divine strength into your soul. Initially you may be unaware that this is happening, but as you determine to uncompromisingly shun every attack of even the tendency toward doubt and depression, you will quickly see the powers of darkness being turned back.....All the miraculous attributes of the Godhead are marshaled on the side of even the weakest believer who, in the name of Christ and in simple, childlike trust, yields himself to God and turns to Him for help and guidance."
I had just finished reading all this when the phone rang. It was daughter, Melody, calling to listen, comfort and encourage. Her words were like the icing on the cake.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Waiting For Morning
I had a good night's sleep and a little energy this morning for which I thank God. Three toilets which had things growing in them got cleaned and two loads of laundry got done. That is major progress. Now I am being wise and taking a rest. I am having to relearn how to do life....at a slower, more relaxed pace. This is extremely hard for me because I am a driven perfectionist who needs order and feels best when accomplishing things. I feel like God is putting a bridle on me and reigning me in....slowing down the racing steed to a nice steady trot. I pray I will learn the lesson and not have to go through this again.
Needing rest has allowed me to take time to read again and I am happily engaged with James R. Kok's book, Waiting for Morning: Seeking God in our Suffering. It is a small book....only 111 pages but it is full of wisdom from this director of pastoral care at the Crystal Cathedral in Garden Grove, California. I was fortunate enough to have sat under his teaching at a seminar in Grand Rapids a couple of years ago. I bought the book then but it sat unopened on my bookshelf till need presented itself.
Here's an excerpt......... "Wise prophets in every age observe that God rarely finds people useful to His purposes who have not been broken by life. Our suffering, so insidious and pervasive, so unwanted and despised, holds the franchise to unlocking closed hearts and opening barred minds. When the illusion of being in control of our lives shatters, then spiritual empty-handedness begins. That condition spurs us on to spiritual usefulness. Usually that takes one kind of smashing or another. The lovely paradox here is that this is precisely where joy and hope enter. The road to joy always seems to go through sadness and suffering. It's hard to get there any other way.........Ironically, spiritual growth involves our personal regression to that childlike dependency Jesus talks about: to become "poor in spirit." Then we are in Paul's words, "hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted but not abandoned; struck down but not destroyed" ( 2 Cor. 4:8-9 ). Healing and renewal come to Jesus' people sooner or later: "Weeping may endure for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." ( Psalm 30:5)
It's the old adage....no pain, no gain. I am encouraged that I am in a place of privilege....being smashed so that I become more fruitful....more useful to God in the end. Now for the patience.......
Needing rest has allowed me to take time to read again and I am happily engaged with James R. Kok's book, Waiting for Morning: Seeking God in our Suffering. It is a small book....only 111 pages but it is full of wisdom from this director of pastoral care at the Crystal Cathedral in Garden Grove, California. I was fortunate enough to have sat under his teaching at a seminar in Grand Rapids a couple of years ago. I bought the book then but it sat unopened on my bookshelf till need presented itself.
Here's an excerpt......... "Wise prophets in every age observe that God rarely finds people useful to His purposes who have not been broken by life. Our suffering, so insidious and pervasive, so unwanted and despised, holds the franchise to unlocking closed hearts and opening barred minds. When the illusion of being in control of our lives shatters, then spiritual empty-handedness begins. That condition spurs us on to spiritual usefulness. Usually that takes one kind of smashing or another. The lovely paradox here is that this is precisely where joy and hope enter. The road to joy always seems to go through sadness and suffering. It's hard to get there any other way.........Ironically, spiritual growth involves our personal regression to that childlike dependency Jesus talks about: to become "poor in spirit." Then we are in Paul's words, "hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted but not abandoned; struck down but not destroyed" ( 2 Cor. 4:8-9 ). Healing and renewal come to Jesus' people sooner or later: "Weeping may endure for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." ( Psalm 30:5)
It's the old adage....no pain, no gain. I am encouraged that I am in a place of privilege....being smashed so that I become more fruitful....more useful to God in the end. Now for the patience.......
It's Time
It's time to tell the story of how the title of this blog His Eye came to be. I love telling this story!
Last summer when I was in the throes of a deep depression my sister's friend, and now my friend, too.....dearest Belinda.....who has a wonderful blog of her own called Whatever He Says at www.whateverhesays.blogspot.com posted something which touched me very deeply on July 17th. I sat in my bed with my computer on my lap, tears streaming down my face as listened to this song:
That day had been very black and I had not been able to connect with God but from that moment on I knew in my heart what I already knew in my head......that God had His eye on me and He was watching over over me.....entering into my sorrow and bringing comfort to my troubled soul. And now as I listen to it again that same comfort is flooding my soul in new waves. It's more cause for rejoicing.
Belinda also shared the Scripture from Luke 12:6-7 (NLT version) that goes along with the song. "What is the price of five sparrows - two copper coins? Yet God does not forget a single one of them. And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows."
Last summer when I was in the throes of a deep depression my sister's friend, and now my friend, too.....dearest Belinda.....who has a wonderful blog of her own called Whatever He Says at www.whateverhesays.blogspot.com posted something which touched me very deeply on July 17th. I sat in my bed with my computer on my lap, tears streaming down my face as listened to this song:
That day had been very black and I had not been able to connect with God but from that moment on I knew in my heart what I already knew in my head......that God had His eye on me and He was watching over over me.....entering into my sorrow and bringing comfort to my troubled soul. And now as I listen to it again that same comfort is flooding my soul in new waves. It's more cause for rejoicing.
Belinda also shared the Scripture from Luke 12:6-7 (NLT version) that goes along with the song. "What is the price of five sparrows - two copper coins? Yet God does not forget a single one of them. And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows."
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