The last month seems like a blur. I hardly know where to start. Right now we own two homes and live between the two of them till the older one sells. I pray it will be soon because I'm getting tired of keeping up the facade that we live in a perfectly kept house with a well groomed lawn. We've slept in the new house twice......not great sleeps because our bed is a double size air mattress. Tonight we purchased a queen size luxury air bed which will hopefully be a little more comfortable and also be handy when we have family staying over in the new house.
Someone asked me today what I like about our new home. I love the thoughts of having oodles of time to socialize and be useful to others because I can clean the whole place in an hour. I'm looking forward to cutting the grass with a push mower and trimming it with clippers.....and planning and executing the landscaping. I've never been much of a gardener but I understand it's very therapeutic so this winter I plan to read and study all about plants and shrubs and flowers and design a lovely garden. I hope my next door neighbor will help because hers looks so lovely. Next summer I envision an old fashioned tea party in my garden.....when I turn sixty in June. I love the fact that I can walk everywhere.....library, post office, grocery store, ice cream store, ladies fashion stores, lawyer, dentist :) , church, bakery, restaurants, the lake. Yesterday I found a fabric store that offers all kinds of classes in sewing. I'm definitely going to re hone my dressmaking skills this fall.....and hopefully meet some new friends that share my interest. I'm looking forward to planning out a new bike route. I've been warned not to bike down Foley Mountain. I wonder why? I love the thoughts of not having to make any more lunchbox lunches for my husband.....that he can walk home for lunch and have a snooze if he needs to. I'm excited about meeting new people and making new friends while still being close enough to my old friends that I can visit once a week when I come into town. I'm thrilled at the prospect of doing more entertaining and hope people will feel free to drop in on us. I love the hour drive into town. I've seen so much wildlife and I love watching the clouds. It gives me an hour of uninterrupted time to reflect and pray and worship.
Thanks to the new medication I am finally feeling comfortable in my own skin. I saw my new psychiatrist for the last time this afternoon. He's moving to Ottawa to another hospital but he gave me permission to visit him there if I need to. Everything looks pretty rosy right now. I am so very thankful to be feeling so well, so content, so happy.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Update
I can't believe it's been over a week since I last posted. So much has happened that it seems like a blur but here are some highlights.
BIPOLAR 2 NEWS:
I have had two appointments with a new psychiatrist whom I love because he is letting me self direct my medication according to how my body is feeling. I have reduced the Celexa to 20 mg. from 40 mg.........slowly....because I don't like the side effects. We are trying Seroquel (a mood stabilizer) again and slowly increasing the doses to put the brakes on my escalating mood. I'm up to 50 mg. and can go up to 75 mg. to help me sleep. So far that's not helping with the sleep. I'm still up with the birds before dawn even though I wear earplugs. Part of the problem may be that I have just come off Temazepam and it is addictive. Dr. D. is suggesting that I would benefit from lithium carbonate but I am wanting to stick with the Seroquel for awhile to give it a chance to fire before we come in with the big guns. I have another appointment next week. I am grateful for all the energy I have right now.......and the good mood. It's so wonderful to be happy and productive again.
HOMES:
The repairs on our old house have been completed. Yay! The mud is a thing of the past although I have to water the new sod everyday and keep dumping bags of new dirt on the sinkholes. The new carpet in the basement looks awesome. The 'for sale' sign went up on Monday and we have had six showings so far. Since Rick is finding the drive to Westport so hard and long we decided to wave the conditions on our offer on the new house and close the deal on June 30th. We will then camp out there with minimal furniture until our house sells or rents or whatever. Our sunshine, Joanna, is coming home on the weekend to help with a garage sale so for the next two days I will be working very hard to sort through our stuff and prepare for that.
FAMILY:
Last weekend I drove to Windsor to attend a veteran's memorial service in honor of all the veterans who have died over the past year. Dad was one of them. I picked up my sister in Cambridge and we power talked for three hours. I got an update from her on her family of nine. We also talked a lot about our shared mental health issues. It was precious time because I love her to bits and we hardly ever get to see each other let alone talk. The memorial service was very meaningful. Our family took up a whole row.......my sister and I, two nieces, one babe and my dad's only niece and her husband. My step mother was supposed to be there but she went to the wrong location because her memory is not good. There were four other names I recognized as they read the roll call......Saul who lived behind my parents.....Ray who worked with my father-in-law.....Robbie, a legion friend of my dad's.......and Michelle, a Kingstonian who died just recently while serving in Afghanistan.
From there I went to spend the night with my daughter and her family in Grosse Pointe Michigan. It was a real treat to be able to spend time with my granddaughters at a local park and restaurant. The next morning I got to see Isabelle's nursery school and have a tour of the facilities at her church. They cried when I left on Monday at noon. Back in Windsor I headed for the hospital where Dad died, to retrieve records that would show the cause of his death. The report showed he had pneumonia, evidence of fractured ribs and died of atrial fibrillation........the result of congestive heart failure. He would have been 85 the month after he died. Next I went to see my step mother. It was hard to be there without Dad but we had a good talk and shared some memories of him. My next stop was the florist my dad frequented. I arranged to have a dozen roses delivered to my step mother on their anniversary which is next Thursday. My dad was always sending her roses and I knew he would have wanted me to do that. While there I picked up another red rose and left for the cemetery. I cried all the way there and during my visit to the grave site........allowing myself to grieve long and hard, tears spilling over the plaque as I swept away grass clippings. On the plaque were these words......Together forever........I am sure they are and I take comfort that they are finally together spiritually. I thanked God for the gift of such wonderful parents and His timing in taking Dad home, uniting them on what would have been their 61st wedding anniversary. There was a vase attached to the bronze memorial so I placed the rose in it and attached the poppy I had received at the memorial service to one of its leaves. I was so overcome with grief that I needed some human comfort so I stopped at the office on my way out and spent about ten minutes with a very kind and understanding man named Mike. He looked into my eyes, listened intently and responded with comforting words. His own dad had died on February 2nd of this year......5 days before my dad. He could relate and we ended up comforting each other. God is so good. I stand amazed at what He does and arranges!
Leamington was my next stop......to take my in-laws out for dinner and sleep overnight. We had a short but sweet visit......hadn't seen them since Christmas. Tuesday morning Dad G. and I went to a local Mennonite Brethren church where he flies very small light weight airplanes with a few buddies of his in their gymnasium. I also got a tour of the facilities......my dream church. Ask me about it! I left at 10:30 and stopped in London for a bathroom break and to check messages. From there I drove straight to Kingston without stopping......worship music blaring all the way. While driving I got the idea of spending the night with Rick at a bed and breakfast on Devil Lake near Westport so I made arrangements when I arrived home. There were two house showings between 5 and 7:30 while I was trying to unpack and repack and get something to eat! I met one couple at the door.....my hair dripping because I had just showered and changed clothes. I finally made it to the bed and breakfast by 9:45 p.m. Rick didn't have to be at work the next day till 12:30 so we had a leisurely breakfast, a long chat with the hostess, and a stroll down to the water before we left for Westport. We parked at his new office and took a stroll past our new house. I have to admit I'm getting excited about living there.
SPIRITUAL:
I have reconnected with God again and we are almost back to where we left off in March. I am praying a lot but not reading more than a couple of verses a day because of the busyness. That will change after the garage sale! I haven't journalled in a long time either. There just isn't any time right now......so many details to look after.
I guess that sums up my whole life right now! Blogging will be intermittent for awhile.
BIPOLAR 2 NEWS:
I have had two appointments with a new psychiatrist whom I love because he is letting me self direct my medication according to how my body is feeling. I have reduced the Celexa to 20 mg. from 40 mg.........slowly....because I don't like the side effects. We are trying Seroquel (a mood stabilizer) again and slowly increasing the doses to put the brakes on my escalating mood. I'm up to 50 mg. and can go up to 75 mg. to help me sleep. So far that's not helping with the sleep. I'm still up with the birds before dawn even though I wear earplugs. Part of the problem may be that I have just come off Temazepam and it is addictive. Dr. D. is suggesting that I would benefit from lithium carbonate but I am wanting to stick with the Seroquel for awhile to give it a chance to fire before we come in with the big guns. I have another appointment next week. I am grateful for all the energy I have right now.......and the good mood. It's so wonderful to be happy and productive again.
HOMES:
The repairs on our old house have been completed. Yay! The mud is a thing of the past although I have to water the new sod everyday and keep dumping bags of new dirt on the sinkholes. The new carpet in the basement looks awesome. The 'for sale' sign went up on Monday and we have had six showings so far. Since Rick is finding the drive to Westport so hard and long we decided to wave the conditions on our offer on the new house and close the deal on June 30th. We will then camp out there with minimal furniture until our house sells or rents or whatever. Our sunshine, Joanna, is coming home on the weekend to help with a garage sale so for the next two days I will be working very hard to sort through our stuff and prepare for that.
FAMILY:
Last weekend I drove to Windsor to attend a veteran's memorial service in honor of all the veterans who have died over the past year. Dad was one of them. I picked up my sister in Cambridge and we power talked for three hours. I got an update from her on her family of nine. We also talked a lot about our shared mental health issues. It was precious time because I love her to bits and we hardly ever get to see each other let alone talk. The memorial service was very meaningful. Our family took up a whole row.......my sister and I, two nieces, one babe and my dad's only niece and her husband. My step mother was supposed to be there but she went to the wrong location because her memory is not good. There were four other names I recognized as they read the roll call......Saul who lived behind my parents.....Ray who worked with my father-in-law.....Robbie, a legion friend of my dad's.......and Michelle, a Kingstonian who died just recently while serving in Afghanistan.
From there I went to spend the night with my daughter and her family in Grosse Pointe Michigan. It was a real treat to be able to spend time with my granddaughters at a local park and restaurant. The next morning I got to see Isabelle's nursery school and have a tour of the facilities at her church. They cried when I left on Monday at noon. Back in Windsor I headed for the hospital where Dad died, to retrieve records that would show the cause of his death. The report showed he had pneumonia, evidence of fractured ribs and died of atrial fibrillation........the result of congestive heart failure. He would have been 85 the month after he died. Next I went to see my step mother. It was hard to be there without Dad but we had a good talk and shared some memories of him. My next stop was the florist my dad frequented. I arranged to have a dozen roses delivered to my step mother on their anniversary which is next Thursday. My dad was always sending her roses and I knew he would have wanted me to do that. While there I picked up another red rose and left for the cemetery. I cried all the way there and during my visit to the grave site........allowing myself to grieve long and hard, tears spilling over the plaque as I swept away grass clippings. On the plaque were these words......Together forever........I am sure they are and I take comfort that they are finally together spiritually. I thanked God for the gift of such wonderful parents and His timing in taking Dad home, uniting them on what would have been their 61st wedding anniversary. There was a vase attached to the bronze memorial so I placed the rose in it and attached the poppy I had received at the memorial service to one of its leaves. I was so overcome with grief that I needed some human comfort so I stopped at the office on my way out and spent about ten minutes with a very kind and understanding man named Mike. He looked into my eyes, listened intently and responded with comforting words. His own dad had died on February 2nd of this year......5 days before my dad. He could relate and we ended up comforting each other. God is so good. I stand amazed at what He does and arranges!
Leamington was my next stop......to take my in-laws out for dinner and sleep overnight. We had a short but sweet visit......hadn't seen them since Christmas. Tuesday morning Dad G. and I went to a local Mennonite Brethren church where he flies very small light weight airplanes with a few buddies of his in their gymnasium. I also got a tour of the facilities......my dream church. Ask me about it! I left at 10:30 and stopped in London for a bathroom break and to check messages. From there I drove straight to Kingston without stopping......worship music blaring all the way. While driving I got the idea of spending the night with Rick at a bed and breakfast on Devil Lake near Westport so I made arrangements when I arrived home. There were two house showings between 5 and 7:30 while I was trying to unpack and repack and get something to eat! I met one couple at the door.....my hair dripping because I had just showered and changed clothes. I finally made it to the bed and breakfast by 9:45 p.m. Rick didn't have to be at work the next day till 12:30 so we had a leisurely breakfast, a long chat with the hostess, and a stroll down to the water before we left for Westport. We parked at his new office and took a stroll past our new house. I have to admit I'm getting excited about living there.
SPIRITUAL:
I have reconnected with God again and we are almost back to where we left off in March. I am praying a lot but not reading more than a couple of verses a day because of the busyness. That will change after the garage sale! I haven't journalled in a long time either. There just isn't any time right now......so many details to look after.
I guess that sums up my whole life right now! Blogging will be intermittent for awhile.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Higher Than A Kite
Hi everyone. I'm back in lala land. Sure is crazy busy. That's why I haven't reported in. Meds are starting to work......need to get into bed fast. I promise I'll blog again by Friday......so much to tell!
Friday, May 29, 2009
Seeing Purpose in the Pain
Today was an incredible day. It started later in the morning than I am used to.....I woke up to the sound of jackhammers in the backyard. I glanced over at the clock and couldn't believe that I had actually slept in till 8:45 a.m. I'm usually awake by 4 a.m. and am just too groggy to get up then. So I stay in bed and doze off and on until 7 a.m. when it's time to get up and get my husband off to work. Last night I took two Diazepam and two Gravols and that's why I slept in. I think I'll continue doing that on the days when I know I don't have to be up so early. I think it just might help me put the brakes on a little till I get to the doctor next week.
Shortly after I got up, my friend, Linda called to ask me if I would call a mutual acquaintance, Hannah, who is feeling very depressed and unable to cope anymore. I called her right away and she agreed that I could come over. When I talked with Hannah over the phone it was evident that she was pretty low so I threw on some clothes, dragged a brush through my hair, gulped down a muffin and dashed off to her place. On the way in the car I prayed....for wisdom, compassion, words that would help and comfort her. And I realized that God had been preparing me over the last ten weeks or so to be His hands, His heart in this particular situation. I could see purpose in the pain I suffered....pain that meant I could empathize and make Hannah feel free to share deeply with me what was going on in her life. I believe what I shared with her was a comfort and encouragement. As we cleaned up her breakfast dishes we talked about some things that would help her situation and I promised to help....... along with some other friends to carry her burden. Her face softened a bit. I hope she realized that "Help is on the Way". I arranged for someone to bring her a meal tonight and I'm going to pop in again with Michael W. Smith's new album. Perhaps it will bring a spark of hope.
(Names have been changed to protect the privacy of the women involved.)
Shortly after I got up, my friend, Linda called to ask me if I would call a mutual acquaintance, Hannah, who is feeling very depressed and unable to cope anymore. I called her right away and she agreed that I could come over. When I talked with Hannah over the phone it was evident that she was pretty low so I threw on some clothes, dragged a brush through my hair, gulped down a muffin and dashed off to her place. On the way in the car I prayed....for wisdom, compassion, words that would help and comfort her. And I realized that God had been preparing me over the last ten weeks or so to be His hands, His heart in this particular situation. I could see purpose in the pain I suffered....pain that meant I could empathize and make Hannah feel free to share deeply with me what was going on in her life. I believe what I shared with her was a comfort and encouragement. As we cleaned up her breakfast dishes we talked about some things that would help her situation and I promised to help....... along with some other friends to carry her burden. Her face softened a bit. I hope she realized that "Help is on the Way". I arranged for someone to bring her a meal tonight and I'm going to pop in again with Michael W. Smith's new album. Perhaps it will bring a spark of hope.
(Names have been changed to protect the privacy of the women involved.)
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
I Am Slowly Going Crazy
While I was washing the dishes tonight, one of Sharon, Lois and Bram's kids' songs popped into my head. It is a very accurate description of what is happening in my brain right now.
In the space of two weeks I have gone from dragging my tail in the sand like a tortoise to jack rabbiting through the forest at lightning speed. I know I have to put on the brakes somehow but all I can think of is slowly cutting back on the antidepressant until my appointment with my psychiatrist next week. I don't think he expected me to rally from the depression quite this quickly. Neither did I. Two weeks ago I could hardly handle a visit from my daughter and her two sweet girls. I wasn't answering the phone unless it was absolutely necessary or going out of the house. Today I went out for coffee in the morning with a friend for two hours and then again in the afternoon with three more friends for another two hours. I made cookies and hot chocolate for the troops in the backyard who are digging up our basement in the pouring rain. Then I went out after dinner with my husband to buy some flowers to plant in containers for the front of the house. I also made several phone calls to family and chatted at length. My husband is telling me to be quiet so he can study. I am chatty Cathy. Help!!!!!!!!!
As of yet I have not really reestablished my relationship with God. I am a lost soul......wandering.....with way too much to do because of getting the house ready to sell and no time for reflection or exercise. How does one exercise in the pouring rain or in a basement that has no carpet on the floor? I know these things will return in time........and I trust God still loves me and His eye is still on me even though I am not spending two hours with Him every morning. I just can't get up early anymore with the sleeping medication I have to take. Tomorrow is a new day. It's going to pour rain again all day. I don't plan on going anywhere or seeing anyone and hopefully the workmen won't come and the jackhammers in the backyard will be silent.
In the space of two weeks I have gone from dragging my tail in the sand like a tortoise to jack rabbiting through the forest at lightning speed. I know I have to put on the brakes somehow but all I can think of is slowly cutting back on the antidepressant until my appointment with my psychiatrist next week. I don't think he expected me to rally from the depression quite this quickly. Neither did I. Two weeks ago I could hardly handle a visit from my daughter and her two sweet girls. I wasn't answering the phone unless it was absolutely necessary or going out of the house. Today I went out for coffee in the morning with a friend for two hours and then again in the afternoon with three more friends for another two hours. I made cookies and hot chocolate for the troops in the backyard who are digging up our basement in the pouring rain. Then I went out after dinner with my husband to buy some flowers to plant in containers for the front of the house. I also made several phone calls to family and chatted at length. My husband is telling me to be quiet so he can study. I am chatty Cathy. Help!!!!!!!!!
As of yet I have not really reestablished my relationship with God. I am a lost soul......wandering.....with way too much to do because of getting the house ready to sell and no time for reflection or exercise. How does one exercise in the pouring rain or in a basement that has no carpet on the floor? I know these things will return in time........and I trust God still loves me and His eye is still on me even though I am not spending two hours with Him every morning. I just can't get up early anymore with the sleeping medication I have to take. Tomorrow is a new day. It's going to pour rain again all day. I don't plan on going anywhere or seeing anyone and hopefully the workmen won't come and the jackhammers in the backyard will be silent.
Monday, May 25, 2009
What's Up
Me......that's what's up. Since I last posted I have gradually gotten better and better until I feel like I am back in my own skin again. It took ten weeks this time instead of six months. For that I am VERY grateful because at this point in time I really NEED to be better.........because my husband has taken a new job an hour north of here and we will be moving as soon as our house sells. There is so much to do because we have lived in this old house (which was built in 1970) for the last 22 years. Repairs are still ongoing from the flood we had in the basement in early April and there are workmen outside doing repairs so we can pass a building inspection after the for sale sign goes up.
This past week I was very grateful that I was feeling well enough to go and help my daughter while her 18 month old son had surgery to repair his cleft palate. He and his three year old sister were the icing on the cake for me.....so therapeutic.
This morning I looked at one of my inspirational calendars and my eyes landed on these words....... Friends multiply joy and divide sorrow........and I immediately thanked God that I have friends......friends that are near and dear who brought food and flowers and sent notes of encouragement and phoned to see how I was doing............ and friends far away in cyberspace that are just as dear because they reached out to comfort and encourage with their words even though some of them didn't know me. I also have the most understanding and compassionate family in the whole world. They all felt my pain and responded in love......the love of God. It reminds me of that verse from Ecclesiastes........."Two are better than one........if one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!"
This past week I was very grateful that I was feeling well enough to go and help my daughter while her 18 month old son had surgery to repair his cleft palate. He and his three year old sister were the icing on the cake for me.....so therapeutic.
This morning I looked at one of my inspirational calendars and my eyes landed on these words....... Friends multiply joy and divide sorrow........and I immediately thanked God that I have friends......friends that are near and dear who brought food and flowers and sent notes of encouragement and phoned to see how I was doing............ and friends far away in cyberspace that are just as dear because they reached out to comfort and encourage with their words even though some of them didn't know me. I also have the most understanding and compassionate family in the whole world. They all felt my pain and responded in love......the love of God. It reminds me of that verse from Ecclesiastes........."Two are better than one........if one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!"
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
When God Seems Far Away
One of the most difficult things for me during these times of depression is not being able to feel God's presence. My head knows He will never leave me but my heart does not. It is very hard to go from feeling such connection with Him in the hypomanic state to feeling such disconnection and abandonment in the darkness. One of my blog friends is feeling the same way right now so I hope this will be an encouragement to both of us and others who may be feeling alone in their struggle.
I subscribe to a daily devotional by Os Hillman and this comes from his post for today:
"Why, O Lord, do you stand far off? Why do you hide Yourself in times of trouble?" -Psalm 10:1
One of the great mysteries of God is His ways. Some of His ways almost appear to bring us into the most difficult places, as if He were indifferent to our circumstances. It would appear that He is turning His head from our sorrows. These events in our lives have a particular objective to perform for us. That objective is to bring us to the end of ourselves that we might discover the treasure of darkness. "Yet when I hoped for good, evil came; when I looked for light, then came darkness" (Job 30:26).
When we are taken into these dark periods, we begin to see light that we never knew existed. Our sensitivities become heightened and our ability to see through spiritual eyes is illuminated. Unless we are taken into these times, our souls never develop any depth of character. We do not gain wisdom, only knowledge. Knowledge is gained through understanding; wisdom is gained through the experience of darkness.
After we go through these periods, we discover that God was, in fact, with us throughout the entire time. It does not feel or appear that He is there when we are in the midst of the dark periods. However, He is there walking with us. He has told us countless times that He will never leave us. However, when we are in those dark periods, it does not feel like He is there because He does not rescue us from the circumstances. He does this for our benefit in order that we might become more like Jesus. Jesus learned obedience from the things He suffered. (see Hebrews 5:8) What does that say about how you and I will learn obedience? Embrace the dark times and gain the wisdom that God intends for you from these times.
Hmmm. I have to think about this for awhile. Why do I have such a hard time with the embracing of it? I think it is because I can see purpose when it is over and done with it but not when I am in the throes of it. Depression clouds your thinking making everything seem so very hard. I am starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel, though. I have been out walking of my own accord almost every day for a week now, listening to worship music on my I-pod. This is major progress for me because even the thought of going out outside the house has made me too anxious for the last month or so. I tried the grocery store with my husband on Saturday but that was way too scary. I'll stick to walking for awhile......and hopefully biking soon.
I subscribe to a daily devotional by Os Hillman and this comes from his post for today:
"Why, O Lord, do you stand far off? Why do you hide Yourself in times of trouble?" -Psalm 10:1
One of the great mysteries of God is His ways. Some of His ways almost appear to bring us into the most difficult places, as if He were indifferent to our circumstances. It would appear that He is turning His head from our sorrows. These events in our lives have a particular objective to perform for us. That objective is to bring us to the end of ourselves that we might discover the treasure of darkness. "Yet when I hoped for good, evil came; when I looked for light, then came darkness" (Job 30:26).
When we are taken into these dark periods, we begin to see light that we never knew existed. Our sensitivities become heightened and our ability to see through spiritual eyes is illuminated. Unless we are taken into these times, our souls never develop any depth of character. We do not gain wisdom, only knowledge. Knowledge is gained through understanding; wisdom is gained through the experience of darkness.
After we go through these periods, we discover that God was, in fact, with us throughout the entire time. It does not feel or appear that He is there when we are in the midst of the dark periods. However, He is there walking with us. He has told us countless times that He will never leave us. However, when we are in those dark periods, it does not feel like He is there because He does not rescue us from the circumstances. He does this for our benefit in order that we might become more like Jesus. Jesus learned obedience from the things He suffered. (see Hebrews 5:8) What does that say about how you and I will learn obedience? Embrace the dark times and gain the wisdom that God intends for you from these times.
Hmmm. I have to think about this for awhile. Why do I have such a hard time with the embracing of it? I think it is because I can see purpose when it is over and done with it but not when I am in the throes of it. Depression clouds your thinking making everything seem so very hard. I am starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel, though. I have been out walking of my own accord almost every day for a week now, listening to worship music on my I-pod. This is major progress for me because even the thought of going out outside the house has made me too anxious for the last month or so. I tried the grocery store with my husband on Saturday but that was way too scary. I'll stick to walking for awhile......and hopefully biking soon.
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