Transformation

I'm sitting in the backseat of the car writing this entry....on my way to Windsor with husband Rick and son Ben....on my way to find a long term care facility for my dad and later do some babysitting for my daughter Melody while she and her husband Ben attend an out-of-town wedding. Rick and Ben are dropping me off on their way to a worship symposium in Grand Rapids. The weather is typical for January.....blinding snow and very bad roads but I feel very safe and snug in my Father's arms in the backseat. This new life of mine....the abundant life I have always dreamed of is so wonderful. It is so freeing not to have any fear or anxiety.” I rest my soul in Christ alone. ..know His power in quietness and trust...”as the song plays on my i-pod. I have never known such lasting peace and all-encompassing joy. Is it not heaven? I think so.

I was with my dear friend, Bev yesterday and she described my experience like a caterpillar emerging from a cocoon and unfolding its new found wings, having been transformed into a beautiful butterfly. I have been thinking about that analogy since she mentioned it. It is a very fitting analogy. I have to say that life as a butterfly is much more exciting than as a caterpillar in a cocoon. I hope I will never have to go back to that state......but also mature enough now to know that I may. This depression has dogged me most of my adult life. Each time I get better I think that this will be the last time. But more episodes follow. This time I have no fear or dread of them. Their power over me has been broken. I have a Friend who will accompany me on the journey and once more I will emerge victorious.

A Dream Come True

I must tell you this story. It has some amazing twists and turns.

I have not been one to want to travel much. My first big trip was to Disneyland with our two oldest daughters, Alison and Melody in March of 1980. The second one was a trip to Alberta to witness Alison's graduation from the University of Calgary in June of 1998. The third one was a week on the island of Culebra with our whole family in December of 2004. The last one was to China for two weeks to accompany Alison and Shawn on their trek to adopt Lia.

There is only one other place in the world that I have wanted to go to and that is Israel. I want to see where Jesus walked and experience firsthand what it is like over there. The opportunity presented itself recently in a serendipitous visit to an old friend. Rick and I were staying at friends of ours in Wellington for two weeks in November while they were away vacationing. When they returned from their trip, Lenie and I were invited to visit a mutual friend down the road for tea. At Ellie's house I met her sister and brother-in-law who mentioned that they were planning on leading a tour group to Israel in the spring. I had a hard time sitting there quietly trying to contain my excitement at the prospect of going.....with people I knew and who had led other trips. When I shared this opportunity with Rick he was not enthused at all. His fear for my safety prompted him to say there was no way I was going. I was disappointed in his reaction but trusted that God would soften his heart and change his mind. I felt very strongly that God had seen the desire of my heart and arranged the opportunity. So I went ahead and reserved two spots for us.

At Christmas time when we were gathered as a family I asked the children what they thought. Five of the six thought I should go. This seemed like more confirmation. Then I asked for my dad's opinion. He said he wouldn't put himself in that kind of danger.....considering what was going on in Israel and Palestine at the moment. Then I asked my pastor if he had any input to share with me. He very wisely told me a personal story....of how everything seemed to be falling into place for him to go somewhere but it ended up not being what the Lord wanted. Then he asked me why I wanted to go. I replied, 'Because I want to walk where Jesus walked!' Then he said that maybe a personal tour with Jesus in my glorified body would be a better option. I thought that was a great idea but I still wanted very badly to go now. There seemed to be a lot of confusion and uncertainty until the Lord stepped in and changed my heart.....in an instant.

I was Facebooking one night and found out that Michael W. Smith, my favorite musical artist was holding a concert in Hamilton.....guess when?.....right smack in the middle of the trip to Israel. All of a sudden the trip lost its luster and I jumped up and down for joy. You see, I have always loved Michael's worship music but his new album, released in the fall, was instrumental in my healing from severe depression. I had to be at that concert! And I will be, God willing.....in the front row......jumping up and down with joy!

Postscript: When Joanna, our 22 year old, was home for a visit recently she shared this with me. I had to smile. When she was in Cuba a couple of weeks ago she asked an Israeli girl who happened to be dating a Palestinian guy if a trip to the Holy land was safe." Definitely not," was her reply. I love how my Father looks after me!

Control Delete

My son-in-law's sister, made a comment on Facebook this week that Tuesday felt like Christmas, Easter and the Fourth of July. I didn't get it at the time because I was tied up all day and wasn't able to join in the festivities of the inauguration of Obama. My comment to her was that every day of my life for the last while feels like Christmas, Easter and the Fourth of July. I don't know how long it will last....the leaping out of bed in the morning (today it was 4 a.m.!) to get to the family room and open my gifts for the day. But I savor each moment of every day and each gift that I am blessed with. I still cannot believe the things that happen in an ordinary day as I make myself avaible. Giving up control has been a huge issue for me but as I learn to do that, living gets a whole lot easier!

I once read about oxen being yoked together compared to our walk with the Lord. If the oxen walk along in unison with each other their burden is lighter because it is evenly distributed. But if one wants to get ahead faster or slow down the pace there is chafing and the walk is hard. I have had enough chafing in my walk and now I am settling into a much easier stride as I give up the desire to be in control. A lot of people won't take the plunge into the Christian life because of this issue of feeling that they are no longer in control of their lives. But I have found from personal experience that God's ways are better than my ways. His ideas are better and wiser. Why shouldn't they be? He is the Creator and I am His creation.

I love the control delete buttons on my laptop. They give me a feeling of power!

Testing.....one.....two.....three

"The test of your life today is part of God's plan. You may not like it. You may want to throw in the towel. But God is using it to grow you up. Don't suppose for one minute He doesn't know what He is doing." These words come from a daily devotional book called Women of Faith.

My big test is over. Depression is a thing of the past, but there is a new test appearing. Here is the essence. I see so many needy people and I want to touch all of them with the love of Jesus......but it is humanly impossible and I am starting to feel like there is not enough of me to go around. Who do I think I am? I am full of pride.....thinking these people need to connect with me so they can connect with God or change their view of God. Lord, I repent of this. Jesus didn't touch everyone....only those the Father showed Him. I need to tune in more to what the Spirit is saying instead of just running ahead in my exuberance and doing what I think needs doing.

Blessed Are Those Who Mourn

I have postponed writing for so long that I now have volumes which will remain in my journal until I write a book.....sigh. So tonight I take the plunge and jump in part way into a very exciting story. I feel sorry for those of you who haven't heard the beginning of said story yet. It's a very hot story which needs telling and I derive much pleasure from the telling of it over and over again to whoever will listen!

This morning I read Matthew 5:4. Bible reading is going very slowly these days. There is much more pondering than reading going on. I am finally taking time to digest it very slowly. The words of Jesus read, "God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted."

I think of my Mom when I read this verse. I remember back to October 5, 1987.....when she slipped away from us after a weary battle with cancer. All these years it has still been very painful for me when I think about her being gone. She was so precious, such a saint. Why did I have to lose her when I was so young and still needed her? I may never know the answer to that question this side of heaven.......but I have finally found comfort after all these years of waiting for it.

Last Sunday morning as I was preparing to tell my story to our church family.....I stood in the bathroom putting on makeup. I had been racing around all morning getting ready for a houseful of people who were coming for lunch. My heart was pounding and butterflies were flying around inside me. All of a sudden these words flooded my mind....words I hadn't seen in many years...... Slow me down, Lord. Ease the pounding of my heart by the quieting of my mind........I knew right away where they came from! Back in the early 80's Mom had had a poster framed for me and it hung on the wall in our home until we redecorated many years ago. I raced down to the crawlspace, hoping all the while that I hadn't disposed of it. Just inside the door I laid my hands on the new treasure and raced back upstairs to the bathroom with it. I had Rick read it to me while I finished getting ready.

Slow me down, Lord
Ease the pounding of my heart by the quieting of my mind.
Steady my hurried pace with a vision of the eternal reach of time.
Give me, amid the confusion of the day, the calmness of the everlasting hills.
Break the tensions of my nerves and muscles with the soothing music of
the singing streams that live in my memory.
Help me to know the magical, restoring power of sleep.
Teach me the art of taking minute vacations --
of slowing down to look at a flower, to chat with a friend,
to pat a dog, to read a few lines from a good book.
Slow me down, Lord, and inspire me to
send my roots deep into the soil of life's enduring values
that I may grow toward the stars of my greater destiny.

The best was yet to come. On the flip side of the poster she had written the words........ in her own handwriting.......as well as the Scripture verses that corresponded with each line. Rick found a Bible and patiently read them to me. I inhaled the words and exhaled the stress. Instantly, there was calm and an abiding peace, and I wept with joy, comfort flooding my soul. "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." Twenty-two years later and not a minute too late I was the recipient of that comfort..........and it was well worth the wait.

Postscript: The poster now hangs in my study. The frame is worn and battered and it doesn't fit the decor of the room but it is a treasure and continues to be a source of comfort.

Stay tuned, folks. More is coming soon!