Media Moron

Yes, while I hate to admit it, that's me. I'm a media moron. My laptop has gobbled up way too much of my time so I decided to use Lent to help me disconnect and deal with my addiction. I'm only a few days into my fast and it's going pretty well. I've used the extra time to read, knit, sew and organize my recipes. I only allow myself to keep in touch with people by e-mail, research my Junior Church lessons and listen to Scripture while I work around the house. No more Netflix. No more Facebook. No more Twitter. No more surfing. No more games. Hopefully, by the end of the 40 days, I will be free and able to use my time wisely.

Starting Over

It's been a long time since I've written anything here.....2010 to be exact. Where has the time gone? They say it goes faster the older you are. I believe it! I've thought about writing from time to time but was hesitant to take the plunge. I doubt that I will have much of an audience so I can treat this like a journal I suppose.

The most significant thing that has happened to me during my hiatus from writing is a return to normal....if you can call it that. When we moved to Westport I was seeing a very good psychiatrist who 'just happened' to be a Christian. I was in treatment for 18 months before he found the right cocktail of drugs to keep me stable. And stable I have been for 4 years now. No more roller coaster. No more mood swings. I am so very thankful for that.  It has not come without a cost, though. There are side effects to contend with.

I take my medication between 7 and 8 p.m. and it takes effect about two hours later. I sleep soundly but need Rick to get me up in the morning. I feel groggy and just want to stay in bed for a few more hours. He sits me up, gives me my robe and I head to the kitchen for coffee. I fight off the urge to go back to bed. It seems like a waste of precious morning time.

 I have put on weight as well. It goes along with the drugs. My body has taken on the shape of a cube. I look in the mirror at the extra padding .....30 lbs. worth and wonder if will ever see the slim me again. I have a minimal wardrobe of 'fat' clothes, not wanting to buy too much because I plan on losing weight. I also have some 'skinny' clothes tucked away.....hoping that one day I will fit into them again. I have come to believe that it is just wishful thinking.

By far, the most difficult  and disappointing side effect is that  I have lost my mental acuity and creative edge. I muck around trying to find words that I should know. It takes hours to complete my bookkeeping tasks for the church and to think through problems that used to be so simple.

Then there are regrets. I try not to think about them because they cause me great angst. I have said and done things in my manic state that are hurtful and embarrassing to family and friends.  My behaviour was wild and selfish and unrestrained and I had grandiose ideas of myself. I whirled around like a tornado, leaving devastation in my path. I continue to feel ashamed of that. I remind myself that being bipolar is a disorder, a malfunction and that it wasn't the real me who said and did those things. It doesn't help. I am stuck feeling this way.

Starting over seems like a good idea.

Back in the Saddle Again

I can't believe almost a whole year has passed. So much water under the bridge. I don't have a clue where to begin but I know I just have to start writing again. I have been....in my journal....but I need to share my thoughts and reveal what God is doing in my life, with others....other than me. :) I started tonight by being a guest writer on my twin sister's blog. You didn't know I had a twin, did you? Well, my life is full of surprises these days. I never know where my feet will take me or who I will connect with. It's all very exciting.....so stay tuned for more. Now I need to get some shut eye because it's 1:30 a.m.

A Better Day

A week ago today was the car accident and I had to drive into town again with the exact same weather conditions. I was nervous and observant of everything around me. The cockiness and confidence of last week were traded in for a cautious awareness of my surroundings on the road. I drove in silence....grateful to be alive and on the road again.....humbled by God's miraculous intervention. As I drove I thought about how Jesus came to rescue the lost.....the hurting.....the bruised.....the wandering. And I realized I was one of those. He rescued me last week to make real to me His eternal love for me.....which doesn't depend on my performance or my mood. I deserved to die but He rescued me.

Today was a better day because of the encouragement and teaching I received at Barnabas House......because of two friends who came to visit and the laughter we enjoyed together. One of the things I must not do is allow myself to withdraw. I have to make a conscious effort to engage with people every day.......and exercise......and connect with God.

Yesterday I went for a fifty minute walk after the rain stopped and tonight the weights are coming out.......I hope I can find them. :)

Major Update

The summer was far too busy and went by way too fast to suit me. I just haven't had time to blog or keep up with other people's blogs in all the busyness. Haven't taken time to exercise either and my body is feeling the effects. It took a lot of effort to downsize and move out of 419. I was still there doing finishing touches in the early morning hours of the closing date last Friday. We are slowly settling in here in Westport......all the furniture is in place and pictures are hung but there are still dozens of boxes in the garage to be sorted through and more purging necessary if we are ever going to be able to sleep in the garage again. Yes, we slept in the garage on a very comfortable airbed to make room for visiting family members in August. It worked out just great and we plan to do it again as the need arises.

Mentally, I am feeling flat and lethargic......and pretty discouraged about it. I can feel myself wanting to withdraw from people and the joy and energy are gone. Maybe I'm just exhausted or maybe I need the endorphins that exercise bring. Maybe I'm starting the downward spiral again. I'm trying to tweak the medication a little bit myself before making an appointment with the doctor......upping the antidepressant and cutting down on the Seroquel. I know I have to get on the bike again but I just don't feel like it. I need somebody to be accountable to.

I long for the hypomania to return. I miss the energy, the creativity, the joy and all the social interaction. I miss my charismatic personality and the ease with which I interact with people. I miss waking up in the early morning and having time alone with God before the rest of the world wakes up. Will I ever experience these things again? I live in hope.

I should be jumping up and down for joy because I survived a very serious car accident unscathed earlier this week. I lost control of our car on a rain slick curve and ended up upside down on somebody's lawn. I just missed a hydro pole. The car was a total write off.

I feel like a write off.

Small Town Living

"The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does." ..............a quote from my aunt and uncle's Heartwarmers calendar which I cherish and remember them by each day.

Home is where the heart is and my heart now belongs in the wonderful town of Westport. I continue to marvel at how God orchestrated our relocation and has granted the desires of my heart. For quite awhile I have been longing for simplicity and a slowing down of life......and I have always wanted to live in a new house......and have a chance to start over somewhere else other than Kingston......to do things differently....especially with neighbors. Now I can clean the house in an hour and have more time for people and relationship. I am very, very grateful.

We continue the job of sorting through the accumulation of stuff at 419 in Kingston. It seems like a monumental task to me but it has to be done by September 18th when the house closes. Somehow it will get done and then I can get on with finding my purpose for being here in our new town. In the mean time family members are coming to visit over the next couple of weeks....lots of them....so I need to find things and prepare for their coming. I do it with a joyful heart and with expectation of making new memories as we do things 'differently' in our new home. Our first celebration will be son Ben's 20th birthday. There will be eight around our smaller table on Sunday. Let the good times begin!

Who Am I and Where Do I Live?

The last month seems like a blur. I hardly know where to start. Right now we own two homes and live between the two of them till the older one sells. I pray it will be soon because I'm getting tired of keeping up the facade that we live in a perfectly kept house with a well groomed lawn. We've slept in the new house twice......not great sleeps because our bed is a double size air mattress. Tonight we purchased a queen size luxury air bed which will hopefully be a little more comfortable and also be handy when we have family staying over in the new house.

Someone asked me today what I like about our new home. I love the thoughts of having oodles of time to socialize and be useful to others because I can clean the whole place in an hour. I'm looking forward to cutting the grass with a push mower and trimming it with clippers.....and planning and executing the landscaping. I've never been much of a gardener but I understand it's very therapeutic so this winter I plan to read and study all about plants and shrubs and flowers and design a lovely garden. I hope my next door neighbor will help because hers looks so lovely. Next summer I envision an old fashioned tea party in my garden.....when I turn sixty in June. I love the fact that I can walk everywhere.....library, post office, grocery store, ice cream store, ladies fashion stores, lawyer, dentist :) , church, bakery, restaurants, the lake. Yesterday I found a fabric store that offers all kinds of classes in sewing. I'm definitely going to re hone my dressmaking skills this fall.....and hopefully meet some new friends that share my interest. I'm looking forward to planning out a new bike route. I've been warned not to bike down Foley Mountain. I wonder why? I love the thoughts of not having to make any more lunchbox lunches for my husband.....that he can walk home for lunch and have a snooze if he needs to. I'm excited about meeting new people and making new friends while still being close enough to my old friends that I can visit once a week when I come into town. I'm thrilled at the prospect of doing more entertaining and hope people will feel free to drop in on us. I love the hour drive into town. I've seen so much wildlife and I love watching the clouds. It gives me an hour of uninterrupted time to reflect and pray and worship.

Thanks to the new medication I am finally feeling comfortable in my own skin. I saw my new psychiatrist for the last time this afternoon. He's moving to Ottawa to another hospital but he gave me permission to visit him there if I need to. Everything looks pretty rosy right now. I am so very thankful to be feeling so well, so content, so happy.