I just spent a very profitable hour on the phone with a counselor. She advised me to call the doctor right away and tell him about how the medication was affecting me and try to get an earlier appointment. So I did! He told me I should go off the medication....that it should not have such a sedative effect and got me another appointment on Thursday afternoon. I am turning cartwheels..... in my head :) .....and am glad not to have to suffer through another day with feeling so drugged. To all of you who pray.....I need prayer for some good sleep without that medication.....until I can get to the doctor and get things sorted out. Also pray for wisdom for him in choosing another medication for me to try.
I wish I knew how to post this song, Help Is On The Way, by Michael W. Smith. It's one of my favorites from his new album A New Hallelujah. Anyway I'm singing it in my head and you can find it on YouTube.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Yet Will I Rejoice in The Lord
It has been a rugged couple of days. I went back on the medication on Sunday night so I could at least get some sleep. Sleep I received...deep sleep with no waking ....but during the day I am a total zombie with no motivation. It is hard even to get dressed, let alone exercise. I force myself to do only those things that are required...like getting food on the table and making sure Rick has clothes for work and a lunch.
I am learning something new....thought I had learned all there was to learn but I guess there is always more. Yesterday as I lay on my bed for a rest after lunch these words from a Scripture song popped into my mind from Habbakuk: " Though the fig tree does not blossom and there be no fruit on the vine, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food; though the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stall.....yet will I rejoice in the Lord...yet will I rejoice in the Lord. I will joy in the God of my salvation. God the Lord is my strength."
How is this possible?....to have joy in the midst of depression or loss or terrible circumstances. We can't possibly feel joy about the circumstances but we do have the choice to rejoice......in spite of them. I began to rejoice in the fact that God is on His throne and sovereign. While it seems for now that Satan is having a heyday and out to steal, kill and destroy, we know who wins in the end. God does. Our part is to be patient and not to despair and not let the enemy of our souls triumph over us. We can't wimp out. I can't give up. I have to get the praise music out and fill my ears with the truth of the Word of God and not give in to the feelings of despair. I have to continue to get up in the morning and feed my spirit with good things of God.....things that will build me up and nourish me and encourage me to go on.
Everywhere I turn there is encouragement......from the things I read in my devotionals.....from friends who e-mail, others who bring food, others who post good words on their blogs....family members who patiently listen. I am truly blessed and have much cause for joy. Now for the patience needed to wait for the healing..........I suppose it's a little like waiting for the brown dead of winter to pass and the green of spring to come. It seems to take forever. But yesterday....after some rain and a bit of sunshine.....I saw a little hint of green in the grass.......... and the robins are out in full force. There is hope!
I am learning something new....thought I had learned all there was to learn but I guess there is always more. Yesterday as I lay on my bed for a rest after lunch these words from a Scripture song popped into my mind from Habbakuk: " Though the fig tree does not blossom and there be no fruit on the vine, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food; though the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stall.....yet will I rejoice in the Lord...yet will I rejoice in the Lord. I will joy in the God of my salvation. God the Lord is my strength."
How is this possible?....to have joy in the midst of depression or loss or terrible circumstances. We can't possibly feel joy about the circumstances but we do have the choice to rejoice......in spite of them. I began to rejoice in the fact that God is on His throne and sovereign. While it seems for now that Satan is having a heyday and out to steal, kill and destroy, we know who wins in the end. God does. Our part is to be patient and not to despair and not let the enemy of our souls triumph over us. We can't wimp out. I can't give up. I have to get the praise music out and fill my ears with the truth of the Word of God and not give in to the feelings of despair. I have to continue to get up in the morning and feed my spirit with good things of God.....things that will build me up and nourish me and encourage me to go on.
Everywhere I turn there is encouragement......from the things I read in my devotionals.....from friends who e-mail, others who bring food, others who post good words on their blogs....family members who patiently listen. I am truly blessed and have much cause for joy. Now for the patience needed to wait for the healing..........I suppose it's a little like waiting for the brown dead of winter to pass and the green of spring to come. It seems to take forever. But yesterday....after some rain and a bit of sunshine.....I saw a little hint of green in the grass.......... and the robins are out in full force. There is hope!
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Honesty is the Best Policy
Sometimes I wish I wasn't so transparent. I'm not good at hiding the truth. The truth is yesterday was a mountaintop experience and today I am in the pit.....after a sleepless night. The enemy roared around all night in my room looking for a victim and he did a good job of messing with my head. I started out praying when sleep wouldn't come but by the wee morning hours I was in despair and wanting to die. I didn't have the energy to get to church so I have been a couch potato surfing the net for help. I may be sidelined but I'm not giving up.
"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "they are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for Me in earnest you will find Me when you seek Me. I will be found by you," says the Lord. (Jeremiah 29:11-14)
"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "they are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for Me in earnest you will find Me when you seek Me. I will be found by you," says the Lord. (Jeremiah 29:11-14)
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Stepping Out in Faith
I know people are going to be concerned for me when they find out I stopped taking the medication but I had to. It was making me sicker. I stopped it on Thursday night and had a little more energy yesterday....even getting outside to pick up pine cones off the lawn and rake up a few leaves. It felt wonderful to accomplish something.....and my head was much clearer to make decisions and work on some computer tasks.
This morning I received what I believe is direction from God to step out in faith and ask for healing. I have not done this for a very long time because the answer has always been 'no'. This morning it seemed He was being very clear through several different sources.
The first one was from Charles Stanley: "If we know that He hears us, whatever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we have asked of Him." (I John 5:15) Whatever we ask of God....we must offer with faith. We must truly believe that when we ask of God, He answers. We must totally believe that He is totally capable of handling all things according to the fullness of His plan and purpose for our life.
The second was from God Calling: Faith and obedience will remove mountains, but they must go hand in hand.
The third was from Streams in the Desert: God honors faith - stubborn faith - that sees His promise and looks to that alone. We must not overlook the fact that faith on our part helps God to carry out His plans.....Faith assists God. Faith honors God and God honors faith.......all things are "possible with God" (Luke 18:27) and "everything is possible for Him who believes". (Mark 9:23)
The fourth was from Scripture: "In my distress I prayed to the Lord, and the Lord answered me and rescued me. The Lord is for me, so I will not be afraid.....Yes the Lord is for me; He will help me. It is better to trust the Lord than to put confidence in people. It is better to trust the Lord than to put confidence in princes.......You did your best to kill me, O my enemy, but the Lord helped me. The Lord is my strength and my song; He has become my victory." Psalm 118
Four different sources. That's pretty strong leading. So I prayed in faith that God would heal my mind. It takes a lot of faith to say this into cyberspace but I felt I needed to confess it. So there....I have.....it's out there.
So far I have had a much better day. I exercised, did a few things around the house that needed doing and didn't get depressed or discouraged by the many piles of things that still need tackling. To me it's very clear evidence of healing. It would have been impossible to do this yesterday. I did everything mechanically yesterday because it had to be done. I forced myself. Today there was a new feeling of "Yes, I can do this! "
I am also finally wise enough to know that I have to make some lifestyle changes. I have to slow down and live within the limitations of my physical body. So I am taking steps to do that as well......little steps of obedience to go along with the big step of faith!
This morning I received what I believe is direction from God to step out in faith and ask for healing. I have not done this for a very long time because the answer has always been 'no'. This morning it seemed He was being very clear through several different sources.
The first one was from Charles Stanley: "If we know that He hears us, whatever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we have asked of Him." (I John 5:15) Whatever we ask of God....we must offer with faith. We must truly believe that when we ask of God, He answers. We must totally believe that He is totally capable of handling all things according to the fullness of His plan and purpose for our life.
The second was from God Calling: Faith and obedience will remove mountains, but they must go hand in hand.
The third was from Streams in the Desert: God honors faith - stubborn faith - that sees His promise and looks to that alone. We must not overlook the fact that faith on our part helps God to carry out His plans.....Faith assists God. Faith honors God and God honors faith.......all things are "possible with God" (Luke 18:27) and "everything is possible for Him who believes". (Mark 9:23)
The fourth was from Scripture: "In my distress I prayed to the Lord, and the Lord answered me and rescued me. The Lord is for me, so I will not be afraid.....Yes the Lord is for me; He will help me. It is better to trust the Lord than to put confidence in people. It is better to trust the Lord than to put confidence in princes.......You did your best to kill me, O my enemy, but the Lord helped me. The Lord is my strength and my song; He has become my victory." Psalm 118
Four different sources. That's pretty strong leading. So I prayed in faith that God would heal my mind. It takes a lot of faith to say this into cyberspace but I felt I needed to confess it. So there....I have.....it's out there.
So far I have had a much better day. I exercised, did a few things around the house that needed doing and didn't get depressed or discouraged by the many piles of things that still need tackling. To me it's very clear evidence of healing. It would have been impossible to do this yesterday. I did everything mechanically yesterday because it had to be done. I forced myself. Today there was a new feeling of "Yes, I can do this! "
I am also finally wise enough to know that I have to make some lifestyle changes. I have to slow down and live within the limitations of my physical body. So I am taking steps to do that as well......little steps of obedience to go along with the big step of faith!
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Doing What's Necessary
Today I feel like I am in quicksand. There's no better way to describe it. But you know what? God's in here with me and that's the only thing that makes it bearable. Well.....it does help that my sunshine, Joanna, is sitting across the table from me working on her design project. :) I was actually able to help her with some of it yesterday.....suggesting some changes here and there to make it more functional. That made me feel useful.
What I would really like to do is crawl into a hole and hibernate for a few months and come out all better. I told God this morning that I would really like it if He would take me home but was quick to add....."nevertheless, not my will but Yours be done." Don't worry, I'm not planning on suicide or anything. I would just like to be able to fast forward through the pain.
So instead I'm taking Francis of Assisi's words to heart: "Start by doing what's necessary, then what's possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible." Today I need to clean out....uh....shovel out the fridge so that's all I'm doing besides getting dressed and putting food on the table.
I'm finding a lot of solace in the Psalms. I love how David sometimes starts out in the pits and by the end of the psalm ends up praising and hoping instead of despairing.
Back in homeschooling days we used to read the Psalms by starting out with the number for the day and then adding 30 to that and so on till we had covered about five Psalms. So I have been doing that again. Today was Psalm 26, 56, 86, 116 and 146. Then because there are about enough chapters of the Proverbs for each day of the month I read one of those chapters as well.
Today I hang onto this verse from Psalm 146. "Happy are those who have the God of Israel as their helper, whose hope is in the Lord their God."
What I would really like to do is crawl into a hole and hibernate for a few months and come out all better. I told God this morning that I would really like it if He would take me home but was quick to add....."nevertheless, not my will but Yours be done." Don't worry, I'm not planning on suicide or anything. I would just like to be able to fast forward through the pain.
So instead I'm taking Francis of Assisi's words to heart: "Start by doing what's necessary, then what's possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible." Today I need to clean out....uh....shovel out the fridge so that's all I'm doing besides getting dressed and putting food on the table.
I'm finding a lot of solace in the Psalms. I love how David sometimes starts out in the pits and by the end of the psalm ends up praising and hoping instead of despairing.
Back in homeschooling days we used to read the Psalms by starting out with the number for the day and then adding 30 to that and so on till we had covered about five Psalms. So I have been doing that again. Today was Psalm 26, 56, 86, 116 and 146. Then because there are about enough chapters of the Proverbs for each day of the month I read one of those chapters as well.
Today I hang onto this verse from Psalm 146. "Happy are those who have the God of Israel as their helper, whose hope is in the Lord their God."
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
The Wednesday Morning Post
I borrowed the title of this post from my son, Ben, who blogs faithfully on Wednesday mornings. Hope you don't mind, Ben, just this once. :)
My mind is foggy and it is very difficult to write in this state but I know I will have no opportunity in the rest of the day so I am coming in weakness but knowing God's strength.
I was encouraged on Monday (as I read in the car on the way to Ottawa for a medical appointment and a visit with our clan there) from Isaiah 55:9 which says, "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways." Charles Stanley goes on to say..."Our definition of what is good changes as we come to Christ and grow into His likeness. God always sees what is absolutely good for us.....He gives us only the things that are truly beneficial for our growth as His children and that are beneficial for the growth of His Kingdom." I would like to take the liberty of changing one of his words to say He(God) allows only those things that are truly beneficial for our growth. God's original plan for me did not include for me to suffer from mental illness. (When He created the world it was perfect till sin entered in)........ but He is using it to mature me and refine me and make me more useful to Him.
I went on to read from Streams in the Desert........ "Great physical force is stored in the depths of the earth, in places such as coal mines. Coal was produced by the tremendous heat that burned the ancient forests. In the same way, spiritual force is stored in the depths of our being and is brought about by the very pain we cannot understand. Someday we will see that the plunder taken in battle from our trials was simply preparing us to become like Great-heart in Pilgrim's Progress, so we too could lead our fellow pilgrims triumphantly through trials to the city of the King. But may we never forget that the source of learning to help others must be the experience of victorious suffering. Whining and complaining about our pain never does any one any good. Paul never carried the gloom of a cemetery around with him, but a chorus of victorious praise."
So that is what I am endeavoring to do this time around.....get through this down time in a victorious , gracious way.
Then I went on to read from Psalm 23....."You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies." I'm telling you the feasts I continue to get in the morning as I read and pray have me stuffed full like I have just had a literal turkey dinner. God continues to feed and nourish my spirit in the presence of my enemies....Bipolar 2 and the medication I take which makes me feel like a zombie. Not only does He feed and nourish my spirit but He gives me things that will nourish and encourage others!
So I am feeling full of wonder and my cup is overflowing with blessings. Yesterday friend Franceen showed up unannounced with Moroccan vegetarian stew and a fresh loaf of bread from the bakery. ......such a blessing because my tummy is still nauseous and I'm finding it hard to decide on what to make for meals, get the stuff I need from the store and then do the preparation. God is good, folks. I am falling more deeply in love with Him each day!
My mind is foggy and it is very difficult to write in this state but I know I will have no opportunity in the rest of the day so I am coming in weakness but knowing God's strength.
I was encouraged on Monday (as I read in the car on the way to Ottawa for a medical appointment and a visit with our clan there) from Isaiah 55:9 which says, "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways." Charles Stanley goes on to say..."Our definition of what is good changes as we come to Christ and grow into His likeness. God always sees what is absolutely good for us.....He gives us only the things that are truly beneficial for our growth as His children and that are beneficial for the growth of His Kingdom." I would like to take the liberty of changing one of his words to say He(God) allows only those things that are truly beneficial for our growth. God's original plan for me did not include for me to suffer from mental illness. (When He created the world it was perfect till sin entered in)........ but He is using it to mature me and refine me and make me more useful to Him.
I went on to read from Streams in the Desert........ "Great physical force is stored in the depths of the earth, in places such as coal mines. Coal was produced by the tremendous heat that burned the ancient forests. In the same way, spiritual force is stored in the depths of our being and is brought about by the very pain we cannot understand. Someday we will see that the plunder taken in battle from our trials was simply preparing us to become like Great-heart in Pilgrim's Progress, so we too could lead our fellow pilgrims triumphantly through trials to the city of the King. But may we never forget that the source of learning to help others must be the experience of victorious suffering. Whining and complaining about our pain never does any one any good. Paul never carried the gloom of a cemetery around with him, but a chorus of victorious praise."
So that is what I am endeavoring to do this time around.....get through this down time in a victorious , gracious way.
Then I went on to read from Psalm 23....."You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies." I'm telling you the feasts I continue to get in the morning as I read and pray have me stuffed full like I have just had a literal turkey dinner. God continues to feed and nourish my spirit in the presence of my enemies....Bipolar 2 and the medication I take which makes me feel like a zombie. Not only does He feed and nourish my spirit but He gives me things that will nourish and encourage others!
So I am feeling full of wonder and my cup is overflowing with blessings. Yesterday friend Franceen showed up unannounced with Moroccan vegetarian stew and a fresh loaf of bread from the bakery. ......such a blessing because my tummy is still nauseous and I'm finding it hard to decide on what to make for meals, get the stuff I need from the store and then do the preparation. God is good, folks. I am falling more deeply in love with Him each day!
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Stay Tuned for the Wednesday Morning Post
It's in my head but I don't have the energy to write tonight. It's all good. Don't worry. Be happy. :)
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