Back in the Saddle Again

I can't believe almost a whole year has passed. So much water under the bridge. I don't have a clue where to begin but I know I just have to start writing again. I have been....in my journal....but I need to share my thoughts and reveal what God is doing in my life, with others....other than me. :) I started tonight by being a guest writer on my twin sister's blog. You didn't know I had a twin, did you? Well, my life is full of surprises these days. I never know where my feet will take me or who I will connect with. It's all very exciting.....so stay tuned for more. Now I need to get some shut eye because it's 1:30 a.m.

A Better Day

A week ago today was the car accident and I had to drive into town again with the exact same weather conditions. I was nervous and observant of everything around me. The cockiness and confidence of last week were traded in for a cautious awareness of my surroundings on the road. I drove in silence....grateful to be alive and on the road again.....humbled by God's miraculous intervention. As I drove I thought about how Jesus came to rescue the lost.....the hurting.....the bruised.....the wandering. And I realized I was one of those. He rescued me last week to make real to me His eternal love for me.....which doesn't depend on my performance or my mood. I deserved to die but He rescued me.

Today was a better day because of the encouragement and teaching I received at Barnabas House......because of two friends who came to visit and the laughter we enjoyed together. One of the things I must not do is allow myself to withdraw. I have to make a conscious effort to engage with people every day.......and exercise......and connect with God.

Yesterday I went for a fifty minute walk after the rain stopped and tonight the weights are coming out.......I hope I can find them. :)

Major Update

The summer was far too busy and went by way too fast to suit me. I just haven't had time to blog or keep up with other people's blogs in all the busyness. Haven't taken time to exercise either and my body is feeling the effects. It took a lot of effort to downsize and move out of 419. I was still there doing finishing touches in the early morning hours of the closing date last Friday. We are slowly settling in here in Westport......all the furniture is in place and pictures are hung but there are still dozens of boxes in the garage to be sorted through and more purging necessary if we are ever going to be able to sleep in the garage again. Yes, we slept in the garage on a very comfortable airbed to make room for visiting family members in August. It worked out just great and we plan to do it again as the need arises.

Mentally, I am feeling flat and lethargic......and pretty discouraged about it. I can feel myself wanting to withdraw from people and the joy and energy are gone. Maybe I'm just exhausted or maybe I need the endorphins that exercise bring. Maybe I'm starting the downward spiral again. I'm trying to tweak the medication a little bit myself before making an appointment with the doctor......upping the antidepressant and cutting down on the Seroquel. I know I have to get on the bike again but I just don't feel like it. I need somebody to be accountable to.

I long for the hypomania to return. I miss the energy, the creativity, the joy and all the social interaction. I miss my charismatic personality and the ease with which I interact with people. I miss waking up in the early morning and having time alone with God before the rest of the world wakes up. Will I ever experience these things again? I live in hope.

I should be jumping up and down for joy because I survived a very serious car accident unscathed earlier this week. I lost control of our car on a rain slick curve and ended up upside down on somebody's lawn. I just missed a hydro pole. The car was a total write off.

I feel like a write off.

Small Town Living

"The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does." ..............a quote from my aunt and uncle's Heartwarmers calendar which I cherish and remember them by each day.

Home is where the heart is and my heart now belongs in the wonderful town of Westport. I continue to marvel at how God orchestrated our relocation and has granted the desires of my heart. For quite awhile I have been longing for simplicity and a slowing down of life......and I have always wanted to live in a new house......and have a chance to start over somewhere else other than Kingston......to do things differently....especially with neighbors. Now I can clean the house in an hour and have more time for people and relationship. I am very, very grateful.

We continue the job of sorting through the accumulation of stuff at 419 in Kingston. It seems like a monumental task to me but it has to be done by September 18th when the house closes. Somehow it will get done and then I can get on with finding my purpose for being here in our new town. In the mean time family members are coming to visit over the next couple of weeks....lots of them....so I need to find things and prepare for their coming. I do it with a joyful heart and with expectation of making new memories as we do things 'differently' in our new home. Our first celebration will be son Ben's 20th birthday. There will be eight around our smaller table on Sunday. Let the good times begin!

Who Am I and Where Do I Live?

The last month seems like a blur. I hardly know where to start. Right now we own two homes and live between the two of them till the older one sells. I pray it will be soon because I'm getting tired of keeping up the facade that we live in a perfectly kept house with a well groomed lawn. We've slept in the new house twice......not great sleeps because our bed is a double size air mattress. Tonight we purchased a queen size luxury air bed which will hopefully be a little more comfortable and also be handy when we have family staying over in the new house.

Someone asked me today what I like about our new home. I love the thoughts of having oodles of time to socialize and be useful to others because I can clean the whole place in an hour. I'm looking forward to cutting the grass with a push mower and trimming it with clippers.....and planning and executing the landscaping. I've never been much of a gardener but I understand it's very therapeutic so this winter I plan to read and study all about plants and shrubs and flowers and design a lovely garden. I hope my next door neighbor will help because hers looks so lovely. Next summer I envision an old fashioned tea party in my garden.....when I turn sixty in June. I love the fact that I can walk everywhere.....library, post office, grocery store, ice cream store, ladies fashion stores, lawyer, dentist :) , church, bakery, restaurants, the lake. Yesterday I found a fabric store that offers all kinds of classes in sewing. I'm definitely going to re hone my dressmaking skills this fall.....and hopefully meet some new friends that share my interest. I'm looking forward to planning out a new bike route. I've been warned not to bike down Foley Mountain. I wonder why? I love the thoughts of not having to make any more lunchbox lunches for my husband.....that he can walk home for lunch and have a snooze if he needs to. I'm excited about meeting new people and making new friends while still being close enough to my old friends that I can visit once a week when I come into town. I'm thrilled at the prospect of doing more entertaining and hope people will feel free to drop in on us. I love the hour drive into town. I've seen so much wildlife and I love watching the clouds. It gives me an hour of uninterrupted time to reflect and pray and worship.

Thanks to the new medication I am finally feeling comfortable in my own skin. I saw my new psychiatrist for the last time this afternoon. He's moving to Ottawa to another hospital but he gave me permission to visit him there if I need to. Everything looks pretty rosy right now. I am so very thankful to be feeling so well, so content, so happy.

Update

I can't believe it's been over a week since I last posted. So much has happened that it seems like a blur but here are some highlights.

BIPOLAR 2 NEWS:
I have had two appointments with a new psychiatrist whom I love because he is letting me self direct my medication according to how my body is feeling. I have reduced the Celexa to 20 mg. from 40 mg.........slowly....because I don't like the side effects. We are trying Seroquel (a mood stabilizer) again and slowly increasing the doses to put the brakes on my escalating mood. I'm up to 50 mg. and can go up to 75 mg. to help me sleep. So far that's not helping with the sleep. I'm still up with the birds before dawn even though I wear earplugs. Part of the problem may be that I have just come off Temazepam and it is addictive. Dr. D. is suggesting that I would benefit from lithium carbonate but I am wanting to stick with the Seroquel for awhile to give it a chance to fire before we come in with the big guns. I have another appointment next week. I am grateful for all the energy I have right now.......and the good mood. It's so wonderful to be happy and productive again.

HOMES:
The repairs on our old house have been completed. Yay! The mud is a thing of the past although I have to water the new sod everyday and keep dumping bags of new dirt on the sinkholes. The new carpet in the basement looks awesome. The 'for sale' sign went up on Monday and we have had six showings so far. Since Rick is finding the drive to Westport so hard and long we decided to wave the conditions on our offer on the new house and close the deal on June 30th. We will then camp out there with minimal furniture until our house sells or rents or whatever. Our sunshine, Joanna, is coming home on the weekend to help with a garage sale so for the next two days I will be working very hard to sort through our stuff and prepare for that.

FAMILY:
Last weekend I drove to Windsor to attend a veteran's memorial service in honor of all the veterans who have died over the past year. Dad was one of them. I picked up my sister in Cambridge and we power talked for three hours. I got an update from her on her family of nine. We also talked a lot about our shared mental health issues. It was precious time because I love her to bits and we hardly ever get to see each other let alone talk. The memorial service was very meaningful. Our family took up a whole row.......my sister and I, two nieces, one babe and my dad's only niece and her husband. My step mother was supposed to be there but she went to the wrong location because her memory is not good. There were four other names I recognized as they read the roll call......Saul who lived behind my parents.....Ray who worked with my father-in-law.....Robbie, a legion friend of my dad's.......and Michelle, a Kingstonian who died just recently while serving in Afghanistan.

From there I went to spend the night with my daughter and her family in Grosse Pointe Michigan. It was a real treat to be able to spend time with my granddaughters at a local park and restaurant. The next morning I got to see Isabelle's nursery school and have a tour of the facilities at her church. They cried when I left on Monday at noon. Back in Windsor I headed for the hospital where Dad died, to retrieve records that would show the cause of his death. The report showed he had pneumonia, evidence of fractured ribs and died of atrial fibrillation........the result of congestive heart failure. He would have been 85 the month after he died. Next I went to see my step mother. It was hard to be there without Dad but we had a good talk and shared some memories of him. My next stop was the florist my dad frequented. I arranged to have a dozen roses delivered to my step mother on their anniversary which is next Thursday. My dad was always sending her roses and I knew he would have wanted me to do that. While there I picked up another red rose and left for the cemetery. I cried all the way there and during my visit to the grave site........allowing myself to grieve long and hard, tears spilling over the plaque as I swept away grass clippings. On the plaque were these words......Together forever........I am sure they are and I take comfort that they are finally together spiritually. I thanked God for the gift of such wonderful parents and His timing in taking Dad home, uniting them on what would have been their 61st wedding anniversary. There was a vase attached to the bronze memorial so I placed the rose in it and attached the poppy I had received at the memorial service to one of its leaves. I was so overcome with grief that I needed some human comfort so I stopped at the office on my way out and spent about ten minutes with a very kind and understanding man named Mike. He looked into my eyes, listened intently and responded with comforting words. His own dad had died on February 2nd of this year......5 days before my dad. He could relate and we ended up comforting each other. God is so good. I stand amazed at what He does and arranges!
Leamington was my next stop......to take my in-laws out for dinner and sleep overnight. We had a short but sweet visit......hadn't seen them since Christmas. Tuesday morning Dad G. and I went to a local Mennonite Brethren church where he flies very small light weight airplanes with a few buddies of his in their gymnasium. I also got a tour of the facilities......my dream church. Ask me about it! I left at 10:30 and stopped in London for a bathroom break and to check messages. From there I drove straight to Kingston without stopping......worship music blaring all the way. While driving I got the idea of spending the night with Rick at a bed and breakfast on Devil Lake near Westport so I made arrangements when I arrived home. There were two house showings between 5 and 7:30 while I was trying to unpack and repack and get something to eat! I met one couple at the door.....my hair dripping because I had just showered and changed clothes. I finally made it to the bed and breakfast by 9:45 p.m. Rick didn't have to be at work the next day till 12:30 so we had a leisurely breakfast, a long chat with the hostess, and a stroll down to the water before we left for Westport. We parked at his new office and took a stroll past our new house. I have to admit I'm getting excited about living there.

SPIRITUAL:
I have reconnected with God again and we are almost back to where we left off in March. I am praying a lot but not reading more than a couple of verses a day because of the busyness. That will change after the garage sale! I haven't journalled in a long time either. There just isn't any time right now......so many details to look after.

I guess that sums up my whole life right now! Blogging will be intermittent for awhile.

Higher Than A Kite

Hi everyone. I'm back in lala land. Sure is crazy busy. That's why I haven't reported in. Meds are starting to work......need to get into bed fast. I promise I'll blog again by Friday......so much to tell!